Old Geezer vs Dr. Young
An old geezer who was a retired farmer for a long time became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic. He put up a sign outside that said: “Dr. Geezer’s Clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000!” Doctor Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn’t know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he visited Dr. Geezer’s clinic.
Dr. Young: “Dr. Geezer, I’ve lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?” Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.” Dr. Young: Aaagh!!! — This is gasoline!” Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.” Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money. Dr. Young: “I’ve lost my memory, I can’t remember anything.” Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.” Dr. Young: “Oh, no you don’t, that’s gasoline!” Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back! That will be $500.” Dr. Young (after losing $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days. Dr. Young: “My eyesight has become weak — I can hardly see anything!” Dr. Geezer: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that so here’s your $1000 back,” and handed him a $10 bill. Dr. Young: “But this is only $10!” Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.”
The Tax Man
There was a man who computed his taxes and found that he owed $3,407. He packaged up his payment and included this letter: Dear IRS, Enclosed is my tax return & payment. Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat. Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2,400) and six hammers (value $1,029). This brings my total payment to $3,429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the “Presidential Election Fund,” as noted on my return. Might I suggest that you send the above-mentioned fund a “1.5-inch screw.” (See attached article…HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.) It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.
~ The government is really asking a lot of us this month – first we’re supposed to count how many people live in our home, then we’re supposed to count how much money we owe them. I actually got confused and accidentally sent a check to the census and a member of my household to the IRS. Sorry, grandma.
~ Q. How is golf like taxes? A. Well, you drive hard to get to the green, and then you wind up in the hole.
~ Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what’s called a red flag. That’s something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That’s a red flag.
~ What’s the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? A. The taxidermist takes just the skin.
~ People who struggle with their income tax can be divided into two categories: Men and women.
~ I’m not going to pay taxes. When they say I’m going to prison, I’ll say “No, prisons cost taxpayers a lot of money. You keep what it would have cost to incarcerate me, and we’ll call it even.”
There was once an accounting firm where the senior CPA knew everything there was to know about accounting. He could answer any question. He knew all the tax laws. There wasn’t a better accountant anywhere. Every morning when he came to work, he would unlock his desk drawer, open it up and look inside for a moment, and then close and lock it again. This puzzled all his co-workers, because it was the only eccentricity that this genius exhibited. For years, no one dared to breach etiquette and snoop through his desk, but his odd behavior became something of a legend around the office. One day when the elderly man was home sick, one junior accountant could control himself no longer. Taking a letter opener, he carefully pried open the desk lock. Inside he found one sheet of paper, and written in large letters was: “DEBITS ON THE LEFT…CREDITS ON THE RIGHT”
Q: How does a home schooler change a light bulb? A: First, mom checks out three books at the library on electricity, then the kids make models of light bulbs, read a biography of Thomas Edison and do a skit based on his life. Next, everyone studies the history of lighting methods, wrapping up with dipping their own candles. Next, everyone takes a trip to the store where they compare types of light bulbs as well as prices and figure out how much change they’ll get if they buy two bulbs for $1.99 and pay with a five-dollar bill. On the way home, a discussion develops over the history of money and also Abraham Lincoln, as his picture is on the five-dollar bill. Finally, after building a homemade ladder out of branches dragged from the woods, the light bulb is installed. And there is light.
No Time Off
An employee comes into her manager’s office to ask for a day off from work. The manager replied, “So you want a day off? Let’s take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break, which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1-hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days for vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I’ll be darned if you are going to take that day off!
Boots Too Small
The teacher was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots. He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn’t want to go on. Finally, when the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, “Teacher, they’re on the wrong feet.” She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn’t any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet.
He then announced, “These aren’t my boots.” She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, “Why didn’t you say so?” like she wanted to. And once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner than they got the boots off he said, “They’re my brother’s boots. My Mom made me wear ’em.”
Now she didn’t know if she should laugh or cry, but she mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked, “Now, where are your mittens?” He said, “I stuffed ’em in the toes of my boots.”
What a Special
We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the “seniors’ special” was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99. “Sounds good,” my wife said. “But I don’t want the eggs.” “Then I’ll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you’re ordering a la carte,” the waitress warned her. “You mean I’d have to pay for not taking the eggs?” my wife asked incredulously. “Then I’ll take the special.” “How do you want your eggs?” “Raw and in the shell,” my wife replied. She took the two eggs home.
Thoughts For the Day
Fool-proof tip for self-improvement: Just follow all the advice you give everybody else. ~ I have so many problems that if a new one comes along today, it will be at least two weeks before I can worry about it. ~ Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing. ~ My friend was cold, so I told her to go sit in the corner. Corners are always 90 degrees. ~ I told my friend she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised. ~ When a clock gets hungry, it goes back four seconds. ~ If people around you are starting to sound reasonable, it may be time to increase your medication.
Q: What has more lives than a cat? A: A frog. It croaks every night.