January 2017 Jokes


 

new-year-cartoon

Little Boots

The teacher was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots. He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn’t want to go on. Finally, when the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, “Teacher, they’re on the wrong feet.” She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn’t any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet.

He then announced, “These aren’t my boots.” She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, “Why didn’t you say so?” like she wanted to. And once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner than they got the boots off he said, “They’re my brother’s boots. My Mom made me wear ’em.”

Now she didn’t know if she should laugh or cry, but she mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked, “Now, where are your mittens?” He said, “I stuffed ’em in the toes of my boots.”

 

Pest Control

My husband works as a service technician for a large exterminating company. One of the rules of the company is that he has to confirm each appointment by phone the night before his service call to that household. One evening he made such a call, and when a man answered the phone, he said, “Hi, this is Gary from A to Z Pest Control Company. Your wife phoned us.” There was a long silence, and then my husband heard the man on the other end say, “Honey, it’s for you…someone wants to talk to you about your relatives.”

 

Mensa

Some years ago, there was a Mensa convention in San Francisco. Mensa, as you know, is a national organization for people who have an IQ of 140 or higher. Several of the Mensa members went out for lunch at a local cafe. When they sat down, one of them discovered that their salt shaker contained pepper, and their pepper shaker was full of salt. How could they swap the contents of the two bottles without spilling any, and using only the implements at hand? ¬†Clearly, this was a job for Mensa minds. The group debated the problem and presented ideas and finally, came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer. They called the waitress over, ready to dazzle her with their solution. “Ma’am,” they said, “we couldn’t help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker pepper.” But before they could finish the waitress interrupted, “Oh, sorry about that.” ¬†She leaned over the table, unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them. There was dead silence at the Mensa table.

 

Shaved by Grace

After twenty years of shaving himself every morning, a man in a small Southern town decided he had enough. He told his wife that he intended to let the local barber shave him each day. He put on his hat and coat and went to the barbershop, which was owned by the pastor of the town’s Baptist church. The barber’s wife, Grace, was working that day, so she performed the task. Grace shaved him and sprayed him with lilac water and said, “That will be $20.” The man thought the price was a bit high, but he paid the bill and went to work. The next morning the man looked in the mirror and his face was as smooth as it had been when he left the barbershop the day before. “Not bad,” he thought, “At least I don’t need to get a shave every day.” The next morning the man’s face was still smooth! Two weeks later the man was STILL unable to find any trace of whiskers on his face. It was more than he could take, so he returned to the barbershop.

“I thought $20 was high for a shave,” he told the barber’s wife, “but you must have done a great job. It’s been two weeks and my whiskers still haven’t started growing back.” The expression on her face didn’t even change, expecting his comment. She responded, “You were shaved by Grace. Once shaved, always shaved.”

 

WAYS TO COPE WITH STRESS

(WARNING: Do not attempt these at home. Only for joke purposes :-)

~ Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out. See how many you can do at a time.

~ Use your MasterCard to pay your Visa, and vice-versa. ~ Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.

~ When someone says, “Have a nice day,” tell them you have other plans. ~ Make a list of things to do that you have already done. ~ Put your toddler’s clothes on backwards and send him to preschool as if nothing is wrong. ~ Fill out your tax form using Roman numerals. ~ Tape pictures of your boss on watermelons and launch them from high places. ~ Tattoo “Out to Lunch” on your forehead. ~ Go clothes shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day. ~ Pay your electric bill in pennies. ~ Drive to work in reverse. ~ Polish your car with earwax. ~ Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages. ~ Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you. ~ Braid the hairs in each nostril. ~ Write a short story using alphabet soup. ~ Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they’re in jail. ~ Make a language up and ask people for directions in it.

~ Replace the filling of a Twinkie with ketchup and put it back in the wrapper.

 

MY HOUSEWORK PHILOSOPHY

I don’t do windows because I love birds and don’t want one to run into a clean window and get hurt. ~ I don’t wax floors because I am terrified a guest will slip, hurt themselves, I’ll feel terrible, and they may sue me. ~ I don’t mind the dust bunnies because they are very good company. I have named most of them, and they agree with everything I say. ~ I don’t disturb cobwebs because I want every creature to have a home of their own. ~ I don’t spring clean because I love all the seasons and don’t want the others to get jealous. ~ I don’t pull weeds in the garden because I don’t want to get rid of the only green I’ve got. ~ I don’t put things away because my husband will never be able to find them again. ~ I don’t do gourmet meals when I entertain because I don’t want my guests to stress out over what to make when they invite me over for dinner. ~ I don’t iron because I choose to believe them when they say “Permanent Press.” ~ I don’t stress much on anything because “A Type” personalities die young and I want to stick around and become a wrinkled up crusty ol’ person!




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