Grocery Shopping Pet Peeve #1
I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked, “So which six items would you like to buy?”
Little Johnny was shopping with Grandma. One of the things she tossed in the cart was a package of pantyhose. He sounded out the words “Queen Size” and exclaimed, “Grandma, you wear the same size as our bed!”
Computers find our faith in technology amusing.
Love your enemies. It’ll drive them nuts.
Good manners sometimes means simply putting up with other people’s bad manners.
Live your life so that when you die, the preacher will not have to tell lies at your funeral.
If voting could really change things, Congress would make it illegal.
A moment of patience in a moment of anger saves you a hundred moments of regret.
Act naturally, Advanced basic, Airline food , Almost exactly, Alone together, Artificial intelligence, Awful good, Campaign promise, Civil war, Clearly misunderstood, Computer jock, Definite maybe,
Diet ice cream, Dodge Ram, Exact estimate, Extinct life, Found missing, Friendly fire, Genuine imitation, Good grief, Government organization, Hands-off management, Head butt, Hospital food, Jumbo shrimp, Large minority, Legally drunk, Living dead, Marijuana initiative, Microsoft Works, Military intelligence,
Near miss (its really a near hit!), New classic, Now, then…, Passive aggression, Personal computer, Plastic glasses, Plastic silverware, Plymouth Reliant, Political science, Politically correct, Positive campaigning,
Pretty ugly, Random order, Resident alien, Safe sex, Same difference, Sanitary landfill, Senior class, Silent scream, Small crowd, Social sciences, Social worker, Soft rock, Software documentation, Speedy brakes, Sweet sorrow, Synthetic natural gas, Taped live, Tax Return, Temporary tax increase, Terribly pleased, Tight slacks, Twelve-ounce pound cake, Virtual reality, Wicked good, Work party, Working vacation
My fitness coach told me to bend down and touch my toes. I told him,
“I don’t have that kind of relationship with my feet. May I just wave?”
THINGS TO LEARN FROM A DOG
~ Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride. ~ Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy. ~ When loved ones come home, always run to greet them. ~ When it’s in your best interest, practice obedience. ~ Let others know when they’ve invaded your territory. ~ Take naps and stretch before rising. ~ Run, romp and play daily. ~ Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. ~ Be loyal. ~ Never pretend to be something you’re not. ~ If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it. ~ When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently. ~ Thrive on attention and let people touch you. ~ Avoid biting when a simple growl will do. ~ On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree. ~ When you’re happy, dance around and wag your entire body. ~ No matter how often you’re scolded, don’t buy into the guilt thing and pout. Run right back and make friends. ~ Bond with your pack. ~ Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
Fifty Bucks is Fifty Bucks
Danny and his wife Kathy go to the state fair every year. And every year Danny would say, “Kathy, I’d like to ride in that helicopter.” Kathy always replied, “I know Danny, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, And fifty bucks is fifty bucks!” One year Danny and Kathy went to the fair, and Danny said, “Kathy, I’m 75 years old. If I don’t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.” To this, Kathy replied, “Danny, that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks.” The pilot overheard the couple and said, “Folks, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don’t say a word I won’t charge you a penny! But if you say one word it’s fifty dollars.” Danny and Kathy agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, But still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Danny and said, “By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn’t. I’m impressed!” Danny replied, “Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Kathy fell out. But you know, Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!”
There was a gentleman in the hospital bed next to me. He was covered with bandages from head to toe. I said to him, “What do you do for a living?” He said, “I’m a former window washer.” I asked, “When did you give it up?” He replied, “Halfway down.”
The Train of Life
At birth we boarded the train and met our parents, and believed they would always travel at our side. However, at some station our parents will step down from the train, leaving us on this journey alone. As time goes by, other people will board the train; and they will be significant i.e. Our siblings, friends, Children, and even the love of our life. Many will step down and leave a permanent vacuum. Others will go so unnoticed that we don’t realize that they vacated their seats! This train ride will be full of joy, sorrow, fantasy, expectations, hellos, good-byes, and farewells. Success consists of having a good relationship with all passengers…requiring that we give the best of ourselves. The mystery to everyone is: We do not know at which station we ourselves will step down. So, we must live in the best way – love, forgive, and offer the best of who we are. It is important to do this because when the time comes for us to step down and leave our seat empty -we should leave behind beautiful memories for those who will continue to travel on the train of life.
Faith is the certainty that God’s will is being carried out,
even when it doesn’t look like it.
Getting Into Heaven
“If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?” I asked the children in my Sunday School class. “NO!” the children all answered.
“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?” Again, the answer was, “NO!” “Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?” I asked them again. Again, they all answered, “NO!” “Well,” I continued, “then how can I get into Heaven?” A five-year-old boy shouted out, “YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!”
Golfer 1: “Why are you so late?” Golfer 2: “I had to toss a coin between going to church or playing golf and it took 25 tosses to get it right!”
A guy decides to bring his new girlfriend to a football game. After the game is over, he asks her if she liked the game. She replies: “Oh it was great, but there is one thing I don’t understand.” “What don’t you understand?” The girlfriend replies, “Well, at the beginning of the game, both teams flipped a quarter to see who would kick off first. Then the rest of the game everybody was yelling get the quarter back, get the quarter back, get the quarter back. So I thought to myself, gosh it’s just a quarter!”
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. “Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, He’s a doctor.'” A small voice at the back of the room rang out, “‘And there’s the teacher, she’s dead.'”