Jokes December 2016


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Toys for…..?

The story is told of a father of five children who came home with a toy. He summoned his children and asked which of them should be given the present. Who is the most obedient one here? Who never talks back to Mom and does everything that Mom says to do, he inquired? There were a few seconds of silence, and then all of the children said in one accord: You play with it Daddy!

 

Job Title Fun

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that….electricians could be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, and dry cleaners depressed? Wouldn’t you expect laundry workers to decrease, eventually becoming depressed and depleted? Likewise, bedmakers might be debunked, baseball players debased, bulldozer operators degraded, organ donors delivered, software engineers detested, and underwear manufacturers debriefed. And won’t all composers one day decompose? On a more positive note, perhaps we can hope politicians will someday be devoted.

 

Did Adam and Eve ever have a date? No, but they had an apple.

 

Horse Sense

It was a disastrous year for the farmers. The snow fell and fell until the government relief agency had to step in and lend a hand. It must have been terrible, said the government man to a farmer. All that snow. Could have been worse, calmly answered the farmer. My neighbor had more snow than me. How’s that? asked the government man. More land, replied the farmer.

 

REVISED GOSPEL HYMNS

Now available! REVISED GOSPEL HYMNS for today’s generation of modern churchgoers. The old favorites can now be sung without guilt, conviction, or discomfort. Hundreds of your old favorites made comfortable. Some of the titles include:

~ “Amazing Grace, How Interesting the Sound” ~ “Lord, Keep Us Loosely Connected to Your Word” ~ “Praise God from whom All Affirmations Flow” ~ “Pillow of Ages, Fluffed for Me” ~ “When Peace, Like a Trickle” ~ “We Give Thee but Still Think We Own” ~ “What an Acquaintance We Have in Jesus” ~ “We Are Milling Around in the Light of God” ~ “Blest Be the Tie that Doesn’t Cramp My Style” ~ “I Surrender Some” ~ “Standing on the Premises” ~ “Sweet Minute of Prayer” ~ “Blessed Insurance” ~ “Come We That Like the Lord” ~ “Onward, Social Workers”

~ “Avoid the Good Fight” ~ “The Gold-Plated Cross” ~ “Some for Jesus” ~ “I Have My Own Way” ~ and the all-time children’s favorite: “I Love Me”

 

I tried to exercise, but I was allergic to it. My skin flushed and my heart raced. I got sweaty and short of breath. Very dangerous.

 

TOP 7 FAMOUS LAST WORDS OF BIBLE CHARACTERS

  1. The people of Jericho before the walls came a tumblin’ down: “My mother plays better trumpet than that.” 6. Balaam’s talking donkey: “I dedicate my body to science and my jawbone to Samson.” 5. Goliath: “Ouch!”  4. Solomon, to his 700th wife: “You’re the only woman I’ve ever really loved.” 3. Thomas, after being informed that he was dying: “I doubt it!” 2. John the Baptist: “This queen is a pain in the neck!”  1. Ananias and Sapphira after holding back money from God: “The Lord helps those who help themselves.”

 

Furniture Disease

Max went into the doctor’s office for his annual checkup, and the Doc asked if there was anything unusual he should know about. So Max told the Doc that his suit must have shrunk over the last year, because it didn’t fit when he went to get ready for a wedding recently. The Doc said, “Suits don’t shrink just sitting in a closet. You probably put on a few pounds.” “That’s just it, Doc, I know I haven’t gained a single pound since the last time I wore it.” “Well, then,” said Doc, “You must have a case of Furniture Disease.” “What in the world is Furniture Disease?” asked Max.

“That’s when your chest starts sliding down into your drawers.”

 

Advice is like castor oil – easy enough to give, but dreadfully uneasy to take.

 

Funny Thoughts for the day:             

In 140 characters or less I’ll tell you why I don’t use Twitter. ~ Government regulation is a lot like ketchup – you either get none or more than you want. ~ Noah was a trusting soul. Imagine going out in a wooden boat with two woodpeckers aboard — and two termites. ~ Things could be worse … Martha Stewart could be your mother-in-law.

~ When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen. ~ Camping: Where you spend a small fortune to live like a homeless person. ~ Heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences. ~ You may be a pastor if, instead of being “ticked off,” you get “grieved in your spirit.”

 

How to describe someone who’s…uh…you know…

~ Lights are on, nobody’s home. ~ A few clowns short of a circus. ~ A few fries short of a Happy Meal. ~ A few peas short of a casserole. ~ Doesn’t have all his cornflakes in one box. ~ Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming. ~ The wheel’s spinning, but the hamster’s dead. ~ One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl. ~ One taco short of a combination plate. ~ Fell out of the family tree ~ A few feathers short of a whole duck. ~ The cheese slid off his cracker. ~ Body by Fisher; brains by Mattel. ~ Couldn’t pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel. ~ An intellect rivaled only by garden tools. ~ As smart as bait. ~ Chimney’s clogged. ~ Elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top floor. ~ Forgot to pay his brain bill. ~ His sewing machine’s out of thread. ~ If she had another brain, it would be lonely. ~ Slinky’s kinked. ~ Surfing in Nebraska. ~ Too much yardage between the goal posts.

~ Big like ox; smart like tractor. ~ A few sandwiches short of a picnic. ~ Not wound too tight. ~ Shirt size: large. Cap size: small. ~ Room temperature IQ. ~ A few box cars short of a full trainload. ~ Missing a hard-drive. ~ Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. ~ Doesn’t have two wits to bat together. ~ Not the brightest crayon in the box. ~ One tire short of a Goodyear. ~ A few Pinata’s short of a fiesta. ~ Butter slipped off the noodles. ~ Not firing on all thrusters. ~ Two cards short of a full deck. ~ Three dots short of an ink-blot test. ~ Forgot to use a surge protector.

~ Half bubble off level. ~ The mental agility of a used soap dish.

 

YOU KNOW YOU’RE TOO INTENSE WHEN…

~ You can achieve a “runner’s high” by sitting up. ~ You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you’ve said it before. ~ The sun is SO loud. ~ You can see individual air molecules vibrating. ~ You begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip solution of espresso. ~ You can hear mimes. ~ You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you’ve said it before. ~ You ask the drive-through attendant if you can get your order to go. ~ You and Reality file for divorce. ~ You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption of coffee. ~ You can skip without a rope. ~ You can travel without moving. ~ Antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition.  ~ You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you’ve said it before…

 




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