The top ten ways the bible would have been different if it had been written by college students
- The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning…cold. 9. The Ten Commandments are actually only five, double-spaced, and written in a large font. 8. New edition every two years in order to limit reselling. 7. Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn’t cafeteria food. 6. Paul’s letter to the Romans becomes Paul’s email to abuse@romans.gov. 5. Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates. 4. The place where the end of the world occurs: Finals, not Armageddon. 3. Out go the mules, in come the mountain bikes. 2. Reason why Moses and followers walked in the desert for 40 years: They didn’t want to ask directions and look like freshmen. 1. Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.
Airheads Beware
An air-head spies a letter lying on the doormat. It says on the envelope “DO NOT BEND.” The air-head spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
The Fool said in his heart
An outspoken atheist went on a tour of a local monastery during his vacation. At the end of the tour, he remarked sarcastically to the monk who had been his guide, “Imagine, if God doesn’t exist – and I believe He doesn’t – you will have wasted your whole life here in this place.” The monk replied: “If I am wrong, I shall have wasted only 60 to 80 years. But if you are wrong, you will waste eternity.”
Dog Days
If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you are always cheerful,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you are understanding when your loved ones are too busy for you,
If you never treat a rich friend better than a poor friend,
If you face the world without lies and deceit,
then you are probably the family dog!
Driving with Hymn
If you MUST speed on the highway, sing these hymns loudly:
at 45 mph: “God Will Take Care of You”
at 55 mph: “Guide Me, O Great Jehovah”
at 65 mph: “Nearer My God to Thee”
at 75 mph: “Nearer Still Nearer”
at 85 mph: “This World is Not My Home”
at 95 mph: “Lord, I’m Coming Home”
at 100 mph: “Precious Memories”
OCCUPATIONAL HYMNS
~ Astronaut: “Nearer My God, To Thee” ~ Baker: “I Need Thee Every Hour” ~ Barber: “A Parting Hymn We Sing”
~ Baseball Batter: “Seek Thee First” ~ Builder: “How Firm A Foundation” and “The Church’s One Foundation”
~ Canoeist: “Flow, River, Flow” ~ Carpenter: “The Nail Scarred Hand” ~ Children’s Librarian: “We’ve A Story To Tell” ~ Chiropractor: “Awake My Soul, Stretch Every Nerve” ~ Civil Engineer: “When I Survey The Wondrous Cross” ~ Dentist: “Crown Him With Many Crowns” ~ Electrician: “O Joyful Light” and “Send The Light” ~ Fisherman: “Shall We Gather At The River?” ~ Golfer: “There Is A Green Hill Far Away” ~ Gossiper: “Pass It On,” “It Is No Secret,” and “Oh, For A Thousand Tongues” ~ Historian: “Tell Me The Old, Old Story” ~ IRS: “All To Thee (I Owe)” and “We Give Thee But Thine Own” ~ Jogger: “The Path Of Life” ~ Lifeguard: “Come To The Water”
~ Long-Distance Trucker: “On The Highways And Byways Of Life” ~ Mathematician: “10,000 Times, 10,000 Times” ~ Medical Technician: “Revive Us Again” ~ Mountain Climber: “The Rock That Is Higher Than I” ~ Newlywed: “I Need Thee Every Hour” ~ Obstetrician: “He Is Able To Deliver Thee” ~ Optometrist: “Open Mine Eyes That I Might See” and “When I Can Read My Title Clear” ~ Paratrooper: “Now On Land And Sea Descending”
~ Philosopher: “I Am Thinking Today” ~ Politician: “Standing On The Promises” ~ Real Estate Agent: “I’ve Got A Mansion” ~ Sailboater: “Deep River” ~ Sceptic: “Almost Persuaded” ~ Shopper: “Sweet By And By” ~ Speech Therapist: “He Never Said A Mumbling Word” ~ Steeple Builder: “Lift High The Cross” ~ Stonecutter: “Rock Of Ages” ~ Switchboard Operator: “There’s A Call Comes Ringing” ~ Tailor: “Holy, Holy, Holy” ~ Voice Teacher: “Sing Them Over Again To Me” ~ Watchmaker: “Take Time To Be Holy” ~ Watchman: “Silent Night” ~ Weatherman: “There Shall Be Showers Of Blessings”
The Economy Man
A man walking with his friend says, “I’m a walking economy.” His friend replies, “How so?” “My hairline is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting me into a deep depression.”
SIGNS YOU ARE BROKE
~ American Express calls and says: “Leave home without it!” ~ Your idea of a 4-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant. ~ You’re formulating a plan to rob the food bank. ~ You’ve rolled so many pennies, you’ve formed a special bond with Abe Lincoln. ~ You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.
~ You rob Peter…and then rob Paul. ~ You finally clean your house, hoping to find change. ~ You think of a lottery ticket as an investment. ~ You give blood everyday…just for the orange juice. ~ McDonalds supplies you with all your kitchen condiments. ~ At communion you go back for seconds.
WAYS TO COPE WITH STRESS
(WARNING: Do not attempt these at home. They are only intended for laughs 🙂
~ Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out. See how many you can do at a time. ~ Use your MasterCard to pay your Visa, and vice-versa. ~ Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on. ~ When someone says, “Have a nice day,” tell them you have other plans. ~ Make a list of things to do that you have already done. ~ Put your toddler’s clothes on backwards and send him to preschool as if nothing is wrong. ~ Fill out your tax form using Roman numerals. ~ Tape pictures of your boss on watermelons and launch them from high places. ~ Tattoo “Out to Lunch” on your forehead. ~ Go clothes shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day. ~ Pay your electric bill in pennies. ~ Drive to work in reverse. ~ Polish your car with earwax. ~ Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages. ~ Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you.
~ Braid the hairs in each nostril. ~ Write a short story using alphabet soup. ~ Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they’re in jail. ~ Make a language up and ask people for directions in it. ~ Replace the filling of a Twinkie with ketchup and put it back in the wrapper.
TOP EIGHT REJECTED CHANGES TO THE FOOD PYRAMID
- Veggie Tale characters get own level
- Pyramid re-done to include creamy nugget center
- New food category: ‘Twinkiepizzashakes’
- “Nutter Butter” now included in dairy section
- The Banana Splits (the old band) reunited for Pyramid promo tour
- Pyramid held up on each end by kneeling Keebler elves
- Fat content in food now measured in gross tonnage
- New corporate name: “Mc-Pyramid”!
Thoughts for the Day:
My chiropractor is no comic, but he really cracks me up. ~ It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally. ~ It can be fatal to live too long. ~ Buy a dog a toy and the dog will play with it forever. Buy a cat a toy and the cat will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes. ~ Irony: The opposite of wrinkly ~ It’s all right to have butterflies in your stomach. Just get them to fly in formation. ~ People say I’m condescending. That means I talk down to people. ~ People say that hard work never killed anybody, but did you ever know anybody who rested to death? ~ Minor surgery is when they do the operation on someone else, not you. ~ Carrying a grudge is exhausting. ~ Sometimes I think I understand everything – but then I regain consciousness. ~ The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions. ~ The pessimist may be right in the long run, but the optimist has a better time during the trip. ~ Vacation: a period of travel and relaxation when you take twice the clothes and half the money you need.
