August Jokes 2016


summer vacation

 

What we said differently to Mom and Dad growing up:

To Mom:  I’m hungry, I’m cold, I’m hot, Can I have, I want to watch, Where are you? Can you ask Dad? Can you help me, He punched me, She scratched me, I want to go there, When are we…?, Why are we…?, Why can’t we…?

To Dad: Where’s mom?

 

College Educated

A young man, hired by a supermarket, reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, “Your first job will be to sweep out the store.” “But I’m a college graduate,” the young man replied indignantly. “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that,” said the manager.  “Here, give me the broom, I’ll show you how.”

 

Airhead Reasoning

Interviewer: “If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?”

Airhead applicant: “The living one.”

 

 

A LETTER FROM CAMP

Dear Mom & Dad:

 

We’re having a great time here at Lake Typhoid! Scoutmaster Webb is making us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are okay. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened. Oh yes, please call Chad’s mother and tell her he is okay. He can’t write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn’t been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn’t hear him.

Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood still didn’t burn, but one of our tents did. Also some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back. We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed. It wasn’t his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Webb said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that’s probably why he can’t get insurance on it. We think it’s a neat car. He doesn’t care if we get it dirty; and if it’s hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Don’t worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn’t any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Webb wouldn’t let me because I can’t swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Webb isn’t crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn’t even get mad about the life jackets.

He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.

Also Wade and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison.

I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Don’t worry about anything. We are fine.

Love, Billy

P.S. How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?

 

STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM

I would have given him 100%.

 

Q-1: In which battle did Napoleon die?

A: His last battle

Q-2: Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

A: At the bottom of the page

Q-3: River Ravi flows in which state?

A: Liquid

Q-4: What is the main reason for divorce?

A: Marriage

Q-5: What is the main reason for failure?

A: Exams

Q-6: What can you never eat for breakfast?

A: Lunch & dinner

Q-7: What looks like half an apple?

A: The other half

Q-8: If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what will it become?

A: Wet

Q-9: How can a man go eight days without sleeping?

A: He sleeps at night.

Q-10: How can you lift an elephant with one hand?

A: You will never find an elephant that has one hand.

Q-11: If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have?

A: Very large hands

Q-12: If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?

A: No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q-13: How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?

A: Any way you want. Concrete floors are very hard to crack.

 

Just Thinking

A burglar who fell into wet concrete became a hardened criminal. ~ A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine. ~ A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do. ~ A cowboy adopted a dachshund so he could get a long little doggie. ~ A good neighbor is one that lets his grass grow as tall as yours. ~ A mother can touch a whole generation just by loving her own child well. ~ A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months. ~ A veteran is someone who, at one point in their life, wrote a blank check made payable to The United States of America for an amount up to and including their life. ~ Being over the hill is better than being under it. ~ Blessed are they who have nothing to say and who cannot be persuaded to say it. ~ Camping: Where you spend a small fortune to live like a homeless person.

 

 

Supposed real airline stories

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy that required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a “Thanks for flying XYZ airline.” He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment”. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, “Mind if I ask you a question?” “Why no,” replied the pilot, “What is it?” The little old lady asked, “Did we land or were we shot down?”

 

United Airlines flight attendant: “Ladies and Gentlemen, as you are all now painfully aware, our Captain has landed in Seattle. From all of us at United Airlines we’d like to thank you for flying with us today and please be very careful as you open the overhead bins as you may be killed by falling luggage that shifted during our so called ‘touchdown.'”

 

Another flight attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”

 

From Southwest Airlines: “Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt, and if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.”




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