December Jokes 2017


 

TOP TEN GIFTS YOUR WIFE DOESN’T WANT FOR CHRISTMAS

 

  1. A car wash kit
  2. A table saw
  3. Two all-day passes to Best Buy’s Home Theatre Installation Seminar
  4. A case of oil
  5. Five-year subscription to Sports Illustrated
  6. Custom engraved bowling ball
  7. New outboard motor for fishing boat
  8. Rambo Trilogy on DVD
  9. New satellite dish with sports package
  10. Three-year membership to Weight Watchers Clinic

 

 

Nativity Fun

A minister, visiting a family’s home near Christmas time, sees a beautiful Nativity set.

He asks an adorable tot, “Do you know what this is?” She replies, “Yes, it’s breakable.”

 

The Surgery

Mary hated the idea of surgery. So she was very upset when the doctor informed her that she needed a tonsillectomy. Mary after much deliberation, decided to go ahead and have the procedure.  While she and the nurse were filling out an admission form, she was so nervous she couldn’t think straight or hardly speak. The nurse, being a compassionate sort, patted her hand and said, “Don’t worry. This is a simple medical procedure, and a problem that can easily be fixed.” “I am sure you are right. I’m being silly,” Mary said, “Please continue.” “Good,” the nurse went on, “Now, do you have a living will?”

 

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU MAY NOT BE READING YOUR BIBLE ENOUGH

10) The preacher announces the sermon is from Genesis . . .  and you check the table of contents.

9) You think Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob may have had a few hit songs during the 60s.

8) You open to the Gospel of Luke and a WWII Savings Bond falls out.

7) Your favorite Old Testament patriarch is Hercules.

6) A small family of woodchucks has taken up residence in the Psalms of your Bible.

5) You become frustrated because Charlton Heston isn’t listed in either the Concordance or the Table of Contents.

4) Catching the kids reading the Song of Solomon, you demand: Who gave you this stuff?

3) You think the minor prophets worked in the quarries.

2) You keep falling for it every time when the pastor tells you to turn to First Condominiums.

1) The kids keep asking too many questions about your usual bedtime story: Jonah, the Shepherd Boy, and His Ark of Many Colors.

 

 

DAFFYNITIONS

Coffee: The person upon whom one coughs. ~ Flabbergasted: Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained. ~ Abdicate: To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. ~ Lymph: To walk with a lisp. ~ Gargoyle: Olive-flavored mouthwash. ~ Flatulence: Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over

by a steamroller. ~ Balderdash: A rapidly receding hairline. ~ Oyster: A person who sprinkles his conversation with yiddishisms. ~ Frisbeetarianism: The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

~ Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it. ~ Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. ~ Hipatitis: Terminal coolness. ~ Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. ~ Arachnoleptic fit: The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web. ~ Caterpallor: The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you’re eating. ~ Impeccable: Having immunity to woodpeckers.

 

A Speech

The big-time CEO was scheduled to speak at an important convention, so he asked an employee to write him a punchy 20-minute speech. When the CEO returned from the big event, he was furious. “What’s the idea of writing me an hour-long speech?” he demanded. “Half the audience walked out before I finished.” The employee was baffled. “I wrote you a 20-minute speech,” he replied. “I also gave you the two extra copies you asked for.”

 

The Birthday Celebrations

Three gentlemen were all born the same year and decided to go to lunch together to celebrate turning 50. They decided to go out to the local German restaurant because they had pretty waitresses. The next time they decided to celebrate turning 60 years old and decided to go to the local German restaurant because the food was good. The next time they decided to celebrate turning 70 years old and decided to go to the local German restaurant because they were handicapped accessible. The next time they decided to celebrate turning 80 years old and decided to go to the local German restaurant because they had never been there before…

 

 

BIRTHDAZE

He looks like a million bucks…after taxes ~ She’s discovered the secret of perpetual youth…she lies about her age.

~ She’s been pressing 30 so long, it’s pleated. ~ When it comes to telling her age, she’s shy……..about 10 years shy.

~ She wouldn’t try so hard to conceal her age if her husband would act his. ~ I’ve stopped exercising…pushing 50 is enough exercise for me. ~ He’s so old……he knew the Big Dipper when it was just a drinking cup…..he knew Baskin Robbins when they only had 2 flavors ..he just got a prospectus from an old-age home marked “Urgent”

 

 

SICK CALL

The elderly woman had never experienced a sick day in her life, so she didn’t take it kindly when a bad case of the flu sent her to the hospital for observation. By the time the doctor got her settled in her room, she had managed to complain about everything: The temperature, the lights, the skimpy gown, the food and the mattress – especially, the mattress. Suddenly, she spotted a small plastic item with a button, attached to a cord. “What’s that?” she demanded.

“If you need anything in the middle of the night,” said the doctor, “just press that button.” “What does it do, ring a bell?” she asked. “No, it turns on a light in the hall for the nurse on duty,” he replied. “A light in the hall?!” responded the woman. “Look, I’m the sick one around here. If the night nurse needs a light on in the hall, she can get up and switch it on herself.”

 

Thoughts For The Day:

  1. Blessed is the season which engages the whole world in a conspiracy of love.
  2. Research has determined that the shelf life of fruitcake is longer than the shelf.
  3. Every year Christmas becomes less a birthday and more a Clearance Sale.
  4. Christmas is weird. What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
  5. Living beyond your means takes twice as much money as it used to.
  6. Money talks, but credit has an echo.
  7. If you see a young man open the car door for his girlfriend, either the car is new or the girlfriend is.
  8. People seem to get nostalgic about a lot of things they weren’t so crazy about the first time around.
  9. My wife and I have decided we don’t want any children – if anybody else does we can drop them off tomorrow

 

 

THE GIFTS

Advent begins – single digits of December,

In the hustle and the bustle, there’s something to remember.

It’s all about the gifts, many will say,

Paper, bows, and boxes on sale every day.

What to get? What to buy?

Hurry, scurry – no time for hi.

It’s about the gifts underneath the tree,

One for him, one for her, a couple more for me.

Push and shove, the hunt is on,

But where’s the love? Where’s it gone?

I don’t believe it’s gone for good,

I think it’s there

misunderstood.

Don’t fret; don’t worry – the presents are great,

But there’s more to it. You’ll see. Please wait.

It’s about the gifts; I could not agree more,

And, we should give more than we’ve ever before.

The gifts of selfless love and that of fervent prayer,

Which can be given and received absolutely anywhere.

We can love because He loved us first,

For love, so many, hunger and thirst.

By allowing God’s love to flow freely out,

We’ll begin to see what His love is about.

A life uncommon, our relationships deep,

God’s love is for sharing, not something we keep.

Love is a choice, not a feeling that goes,

It’s the perfect gift and doesn’t even need bows.

Love desires what’s best for sisters and brothers,

Love is kind and it’s patient, not jealous of others.

If someone offers prayer for you this very year,

I’m certain you’ll be smiling – from ear to ear.

It’s about the gifts; but please let us remember,

It’s gifts of love and prayer. They’ll last beyond December.




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