The Prodigal Rides Again
The County Highway Commissioner was driving to the hospital for treatment of his painful knee injury. He decided to take advantage of the hospital’s valet parking. As he exited his car, a young man with the valet company, comes up and asks if this was a government vehicle. “Yes,” the Commissioner replied, surprised by the question. “In fact it’s an unmarked police car.” “Wow!” the young man said, sliding behind the wheel. “This will be the first time I’ve been in the *front* seat.”
On the first day of school, the kindergarten teacher said, “If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers.” A little voice from the back of the room asked, “How will that help?”
Do you know the legend of the American Indian youth’s rite of passage? His father takes him into the forest, blindfolds him and leaves him alone. He is required to sit on a stump the whole night and not remove the blindfold until the rays of the morning sun shine through it. He cannot cry out for help to anyone.
Once he survives the night, he is a MAN. He cannot tell the other boys of this experience, because each lad must come into manhood on his own.
The boy is naturally terrified. He can hear all kinds of noises. Wild beasts must surely be all around him. Maybe even some human might do him harm. The wind blew the grass and earth, and shook his stump, but he sat stoically, never removing the blindfold. It would be the only way he could become a man.
Finally, after a horrific night the sun appeared and he removed his blindfold. It was then that he discovered his father sitting on the stump next to him. He had been at watch the entire night, protecting his son from harm.
“Don’t be afraid, for I am with you; don’t be distressed, for I am your God. I give you strength, I give you help, I support you with my victorious right hand.” (Isaiah 41:10)
A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. “What are those machetes doing in your car?” asks the cop. “I juggle them in my act.” “Oh, yeah?” says the doubtful cop. “Let’s see you do it.”
The juggler gets out and starts tossing and catching the knives. Another man driving by slows down to watch. “Wow” says the passer-by. “I’m glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they’re giving now!”
For of Such is the Kingdom of God
A headmaster at a parochial school wanted to provide his new students some advice for appropriate behavior at church. He thought he would try to elicit rules that their parents might give the youngsters before taking them to a nice restaurant. “Don’t play with your food,” one second grader cited. “Don’t be loud,” said another, and so on… He then turned to another youngster to ask, “And what rule do your parents give you before you go out to eat?” Without batting an eye, the child replied, “Order something cheap.”
The Long Arm of the Law
A motorist was caught by a speed camera going 10 mph over the limit. He received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. In return, the police department sent another picture – of handcuffs.
My brain is so crowded with valuable information that I can’t think anymore.
In the Doghouse
First guy: “I’m really in the doghouse. I ran afoul of one of those trick questions women ask.” Second guy: “What kind of question?” First guy: “She asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat, and ugly.” Second guy: “That’s easy. You just say, ‘Of course I will.'” First guy: “Yeah, that’s what I meant to say. But what came out was, ‘Of course I do.'”
After years of scrimping and saving, a husband told his wife the good news: “Honey, we’ve finally saved enough money to buy what we started saving for way back in 2000.” “You mean a brand-new Mercedes?” she asked eagerly. “No,” he replies, “a 2000 Mercedes.”
Why men shouldn’t fish with their wives
So this guy took his wife on a fishing trip, and she did everything wrong. First, she kept talking out loud; everybody knows that scares the fish away! Then she used the wrong bait. And then she was reeling in the line too soon. But worst of all, she caught a lot more fish than he did!