GRATEFUL FOR THESE GIFTS
~ Early wake-ups = Children to love. ~ House to clean = Safe place to live. ~ Laundry = Clothes to wear.
~ Dishes to wash = Food to eat. ~ Grocery shopping = Money to provide for us. ~ Toilets to clean = Indoor plumbing. ~ Lots of noise = People in my life. ~ Sore & tired in bed = I’m alive. ~ Be kind to each other = Endless love for all of you.
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five- and six-year-olds. After explaining the commandment to “Honor thy father and thy mother,” she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?” Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, “Thou shall not kill.”
On Wings of Angels
I’ve never flown before,” said the nervous old lady to the pilot. “You will bring me down safely, won’t you?”
“All I can say ma’am,” said the pilot, “is that I’ve never left anyone up there yet!”
Ice Fishing 101
A guy goes ice fishing. He finds a good spot on the lake, near some other ice fishermen (to be sociable) but not close enough to be annoying. He sets up his gear, cuts a hole in the ice, and drops his line into the water. After a few hours he hasn’t gotten a single bite, yet he notices that a kid nearby has caught dozens of fish. He walks over to the kid and asks: “Hey, what’s your secret?” The kid says: “Mmu motta meep ba mmrms mmrm.” The guy asks: “What did you say?” The kid answers: “Mmu motta meep ba mmrms mmrm.” The guy again asks: “What??”
The kid spits into his hand and says, “You gotta keep the worms warm!”
Love Thy Wife
One night at the dinner table, the wife commented, “When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller. You don’t love me anymore.” “Nonsense, darling”, replied the husband, “you just cook better now.”
Noah the Environmentalist
As the animals left Noahs ark, Mrs. Noah looked up at the dirty, beat-up, smelly boat and sighed, It looks like such a wreck. Are we just going to leave it on the mountaintop? Dont worry about it, Noah said confidently, I left the termites on board.
Don’t Mess with Seniors
A woman was getting swamped with calls from strangers. The reason? A billing service had launched a number that was identical to hers. When she called to complain, she was told to get a new number. I’ve had mine for twenty years, she pleaded. Couldn’t you change yours? The company refused, so she said, Fine. From now on, I’m going to tell everyone who calls that their bill is paid in full. The company got a new number the next day. Don’t mess with seniors!
Proudly Serving the Nation
As two politicians walked through the countryside, they noticed some tracks. First said, “Deer tracks?”
Second said, “No, bear tracks.” However, the conversation ended abruptly when a train hit them.
Thoughts for the Day:
- Coffee! You can sleep when you’re dead. 2. The best things in life may be free, but the optional accessories really run up the bill. 3. The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself, “This changes everything.” 4. The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient. 5. A speech is like a wheel: The longer the spoke, the greater the tire. 6. She said she recognized the man from the Vegetarian Club she went to last night. But he said he’d never met herbivore.
- Regardless of how much patience we have, we would prefer never to use any of it. 8. Promises are like snowballs – easy to make but hard to keep. 9. Nurses: We can’t fix stupid, but we can sedate it or restrain it.