Jokes July 2017


Creation Wine into water cartoon

FAMOUS PUTDOWNS

Better a witty fool than a foolish wit. – Shakespeare

A graceful taunt is worth a thousand insults. – Louis Nizer

You’ve got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it. – Groucho Marx

He is a self-made man & worships his creator. – John Bright

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire. – Winston Churchill

He has sat on the fence so long that the iron has entered his soul. – David Lloyd George

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it. – Moses Hadas

He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others. – Samuel Johnson

He had delusions of adequacy. – Walter Kerr

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know. – Abraham Lincoln

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it. – Groucho Marx

A modest little person, with much to be modest about. – Winston Churchill

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. – Oscar Wilde

 

FELINE PHYSICS OR CAT LAWS

LAW OF CAT INERTIA:  A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force, such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

LAW OF CAT MOTION:  A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

LAW OF CAT THERMODYNAMICS:  Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, all heat flows to the cat.

FIRST LAW OF CAT ENERGY CONSERVATION:  Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.

LAW OF BAG/BOX OCCUPANCY:  All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

LAW OF FURNITURE REPLACEMENT:  A cat’s desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.

LAW OF PILL REJECTION:  Any pill given to a cat has potential energy to reach escape velocity.

LAW OF CAT COMPOSITION:  A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-matter + It Doesn’t Matter.

LAW OF SPACE-TIME CONTINUUM:  Given enough time, a cat will land in just about any space.

LAW OF CAT OBEDIENCE:  As yet undiscovered.

 

ETIQUETTE FOR INEXPERIENCED CATS

  1. If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. Shag is good.
  2. Determine quickly which guest hates cats. Sit on that lap during the evening. He won’t dare push you off and will even call you “nice kitty.” If you can arrange to have cat food on your breath, so much the better.
  3. For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select colors that contrast your own.
  4. Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.
  5. For guests that say “I love kitties,” be ready with aloof disdain, claws applied to stockings, or a quick nip on the ankles.
  6. Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get one open, stand on hind legs and hammer doorknob with forepaws. Once the door is opened for you, it is not necessary to use it. You can change your mind. When you have ordered an outside door opened, stand half in and half out and think about several things. This is important during very cold weather or mosquito season.
  7. If one person is busy and the other is idle, sit with the busy one. For book readers, get in close under the chin, unless you can lie across the book itself.
  8. For ladies knitting, curl quietly into lap and pretend to doze. Then reach out and slap knitting needles sharply. This is what she calls a dropped stitch. She will try to distract you. Ignore it.
  9. For people doing homework, sit on the paper being worked on. After being removed the second time, push anything movable off the table (pens, pencils, stamps) one at a time.
  10. Get enough sleep during the day.

 

Help from the Ceiling.

The temporary Sunday School teacher was struggling to open a combination lock on the supply cabinet. She had been told the combination, but couldn’t quite remember it. Finally, she went to the pastor’s study and asked for help.

The pastor came into the room and began to turn the dial. After the first two numbers, he paused and stared blankly for a moment. Finally, he looked serenely heavenward and his lips moved silently. Then he looked back at the lock, and quickly turned to the final number, and opened the lock. The teacher was amazed. “I’m in awe at your faith, pastor,” she said. “It’s really nothing,” he answered. “The number is on a piece of tape on the ceiling.”

 

Fudging the Story

Nine year old Dewey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school. “Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.” “Now, Dewey, is that really what your teacher taught you?” his mother asked. “Well, no, Mom. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you’d never believe it!”

 

Ouch

It was a formal banquet.  The minister had just finished saying grace when a waiter spilled a bowl of steaming soup into his lap. The clergyman silently sizzled, then cried in anguished tones, “Will a layman please make some appropriate remarks?”

 

Where is the Seal?

Little Johnny and his mother returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries.  Little Johnny opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. “What are you doing?” his mother asked.

“It says not to eat them if the seal is broken,” Little Johnny explained. “I’m looking for the seal.”

 

The Goat

Patient: Doctor, Doctor! I keep thinking I’m a goat! Doctor: How long have you had this feeling? Patient: Ever since I was a kid.

 

Counting

I was in the six-item express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, ‘So which six items would you like to buy?’ Wouldn’t it be great if that happened more often?

 

AGE IS A FUNNY THING

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we’re kids? If you’re less than 10 years old, you’re so excited about aging that you think in fractions. “How old are you?” “I’m 4 and half.” You’re never 36 and a half, but you are 4 and a half going on 5! That’s the key. You get into your teens, now they can’t hold you back. You jump to the next number. “How old are you?” “I’m gonna be 16.” You could be 12, but you’re gonna be 16. And then the greatest day of your life happens: you become 21. Even the words sounds like a ceremony–you BECOME 21. YES!!!! But then you turn 30. Ooohhh, what happened here?? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED. We had to throw him out. There’s no fun now. What’s wrong?? What changed??? You BECOME 21,

you TURN 30, then you’re PUSHING 40…stay over there, it’s all slipping away… You BECOME 21, you TURN 30,

you’re PUSHING 40, you REACH 50…my dreams are gone…You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you’re PUSHING 40, you REACH 50 and then you MAKE IT to 60…Whew! I didn’t think I’d make it. You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you’re PUSHING 40, you REACH 50, you MAKE IT to 60, and by then you’ve built up so much speed, you HIT 70!  After that, it’s a day-by-day thing. You HIT Wednesday, you get into your 80s, you HIT lunch. I mean my grandmother won’t even buy green bananas: “Well it’s an investment, you know, and maybe a bad one.” And it doesn’t end there…into the 90’s, you start going backwards: I was JUST 92. Then a strange thing happens, if you make it over 100, you become a little kid again: I’m 100 and a half!! Age is a funny thing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thoughts for the day:

 

The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone. ~ The first person to make a mountain out of a molehill was probably a real estate agent. ~ The chance of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with. ~ It’s easy to identify people who can’t count to ten. They’re in front of you in the supermarket express lane. ~ Sign at animal park: Please be safe. Do not set, stand, climb, or lean on fence. If you fall, animals may eat you and that might make them sick. ~ I’m tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That’s deep enough. What do you want, an adorable pancreas? ~ I told the doctor that I was allergic to cotton. He gave me some pills for the condition, but I couldn’t get them out of the bottle. ~ Why put off ’til tomorrow what you’ll never do anyway?

 




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