Jokes September 2017


a--teacher-cartoon

Walking on Water

A Scotsman, planning a trip to the Holy Land, was aghast when he found it would cost one hundred dollars an hour to rent a boat on the Sea of Galilee. “Hoot mon,” he said, “in Scotland it wouldna ha been more than $20.”

“That might be true,” said the travel agent, “but you have to take into account that the Sea of Galilee is water on which our Lord Himself walked.” “Well, at $100 an hour for a boat,” said the Scotsman, “it’s no wonder He walked.”

 

Home or Heaven?

The Sunday school teacher asked her preschool class, “How many of you would like to go to Heaven?”

All the children raised their hands except Tommy. The teacher asked Tommy why he wouldn’t like to go to Heaven.

Tommy answered, “I’m sorry, but I can’t. My mother told me to come right home after Sunday school.

 

Silent Treatment Backfire

“A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at 5:00 AM.” He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, “It is 5:00 AM. Wake up. ”

 

Unmerited Favor

A man opens an outdoor stall to sell bagels and puts up a sign, “.50 cents each.” A jogger runs past and puts 50 cents into the bucket but doesn’t take a bagel. The next day, he does the same thing. For weeks and then months, this goes on. One day, as he’s jogging past, the owner joins step with him. The jogger laughs and says, “I know why you’re here. You want to know why I always put money in the bucket and never take a bagel.” “No,” says the owner, “not that. I just want to tell you that the bagels have gone up to 60 cents.”

 

KIDS….

Grandma was telling her little grand-daughter about her own childhood: “We used to skate outside on a pond.  I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.” The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, “I sure wish I’d gotten to know you sooner!”

 

Reminding God

A man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to church. Alarmed by the old fellow’s absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the pastor went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the pastor asked, “How come after all these years we don’t see you at services anymore?” The old man lowered his voice. “I’ll tell you, Pastor,” he whispered, “When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must’ve forgotten about me, and I don’t want to remind Him.”

 

A PARENT’S PRAYER

Now I lay me down to sleep,

I pray my sanity to keep.

For if some peace I do not find,

I’m pretty sure I’ll lose my mind.

I pray I find a little quiet,

Far from the daily family riot.

May I lie back and not have to think

About what they’re stuffing down the sink,

Or who they’re with, or where they’re at

And what they’re doing to the cat.

I pray for time all to myself

(did something just fall off a shelf?)

To cuddle in my nice, soft bed

(Oh no, another goldfish dead!)

Some silent moments for goodness sake

(Did I just hear a window break?)

And that I need not cook or clean

(well heck, I’ve got the right to dream)

Yes, now I lay me down to sleep,

I pray my wits about me keep,

But as I look around I know,

I must have lost them long ago!

 

KIDS SAY THE FUNNIEST THINGS

  1. JACK (age 3) was watching his mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: “Mom, why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?”
  2. MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn’t remember any more. Melanie said, “If you don’t remember you should look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.”
  3. STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight. “I love you so much, that when you die I’m going to bury you outside my bedroom window.”
  4. BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a childproof cap and she’d have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: “How does it know it’s me?”
  5. SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. “Please don’t give me this juice again,” she said, “It makes my teeth cough.”
  6. DI (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: “How much do I cost?”
  7. MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple who were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: “Why is he whispering in her mouth?”
  8. CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, “I don’t know what’ll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?”
  9. JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: “The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.” Concerned, James asked: “What happened to the flea?”
  10. TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for awhile and then asked, “Why doesn’t your skin fit your face?”

 

NO THANKS!

Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day, I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her injection. “No, no, no!” she screamed. Lizzie, scolded her mother, “Lizzie, that’s not polite behavior.” With that, the girl yelled even louder, “No, thank you! No, thank you!”

 

When Words Aren’t Enough

On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my son, “Dad, I know babies come from mommies’ tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?” After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust, “You don’t have to make up something, Dad. It’s okay if you don’t know the answer.”

 

That’s Modern Art Mate!

An artist has a show at the local gallery.  One huge canvas is black with yellow blobs splattered all over it; the next is a murky gray with streaky drips of purple. A viewer walks over to the artist and says, “I don’t understand your paintings.” “I paint what I feel inside me,” explains the artist.  “…Have you ever tried Alka-Seltzer?”

 

God’s Grace

A tired minister was at home resting, and through the window he saw a woman approaching his door. She was one of those too-talkative people, and he was not anxious to talk with her. He said to his wife, “I’ll just duck upstairs and wait until she goes away.” An hour passed, then he tiptoed to the stair landing and listened … not a sound. He was very pleased, so he started down calling loudly to his wife, “Well, My Dear, did you get rid of that old bore at last?”

The next moment he heard the voice of the same woman caller, and she couldn’t possibly have missed hearing him. Two steps down, he saw them both staring up at him. It seemed truly a crisis moment. The quick-thinking minister’s wife answered, “Yes, Dear, she went away over an hour ago. But Mrs. Jones has come to call in the meantime, and I’m sure you’ll be glad to greet her.”

 

Thoughts for the day:

We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea. ~ Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation toward the local swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water. ~ They say that inside each heavy person is a thin person struggling to get out. I’ve discovered that mine can be sedated with a piece of chocolate cake. ~ There’s nothing wrong with teenagers that 30 years won’t fix. ~ You gotta be patient. Half the people you deal with are below average. ~ Whichever traffic lane you change to will always move slower than the one you left. (This also applies to lines you stand in.) ~ When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant. ~

The best inheritance parents can give their children is a few minutes of their time each day. ~ Which animal do you never want to play cards with?  A cheetah ~ You can buy friendship with friendship, but never with dollars. ~ When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment … now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation! ~ There are only two things a child will share willingly – communicable diseases and mom’s age.

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