WHAT IF GOD HAD VOICEMAIL?
We have all learned to live with voicemail as a necessary part of modern life. But you may have wondered, what if God decided to install voicemail? Imagine praying and hearing this…”Thank you for calling My Father’s House. Please select one of the following options:
Press 1 for requests. Press 2 for thanksgiving. Press 3 for complaints. Press 4 for all other inquiries.”
What if God used the familiar excuse…”All the angels are helping other customers right now. Please stay on the line. Your call will be answered in the order it was received.”
Can you imagine getting these kinds of responses as you call on God in prayer? “If you would like to speak to Gabriel, press 1. For Michael, press 2. For a directory of other angels, press 3. If you’d like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you’re on hold, press 4. To find out if a loved one has been assigned to heaven, enter his or her social security number. For reservations at My Father’s House, press the letters J-O-H-N and then 3-1-6. For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, and where Noah’s ark is, please wait until you arrive here.”
“Our computers show that you have already called once today. Please hang up and try again tomorrow.”
“This office is closed for the weekend. Please call again on Monday after 9:00 am.”
Thank God, you can’t call Him too often! “Then you will call and the Lord will answer, you will cry for help, and He will say, ‘Here am I.'” Isaiah 58:9
Sung to the tune of the Beatles’ song “Yesterday”
All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.
There’s not half the files there used to be, And there’s a milestone hanging over me The system crashed so suddenly.
I pushed something wrong
What it was I could not say.
Now all my data’s gone
and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.
The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay,
Now I believe in yesterday.
DOG AND CAT TRICKS
- Bruce Cameron www.wbrucecameron.com
I own two cats and a dog, which I calculate gives me about two and a half pet brains to deal with. In point of fact, I don’t “own” these animals at all. I pay for their food and their vet bills, I clean out litter boxes and feed them and bathe the dog when she has rolled in road kill, but the pets actually belong to my children.
The cats are complex animals who have worked out sophisticated social rules between them, and who pad silently through the house in a never-ending game of Stalk-and-Pounce. The dog knocks over lamps and barks for hours at the ceiling fan. The cats are usually disappointed to see me, feeling their existence would be vastly improved if some fatal mishap would befall me so they could cash in on my life insurance. The dog loves me so heartily that she bounds over to lick my face in wet greeting even when she’s only been out of sight for the few moments it took her to drink out of the toilet. The cats disdainfully inspect the food we put out for them and seem disgusted when it isn’t tuna or caviar. The dog eats my shoes.
I have been unable to train the cats to do anything, unless “ignore on command” could be considered a good trick. All I ever wanted them to learn was to stop streaking out the door when it opens, or, once outside, to come when called instead of fleeing out into the neighborhood and forcing the entire family to embark on a cat hunt.
When it comes to the dog, I’ve tried to train it to do all the standard things, like “Sit,” “Stay,” “Speak,” and “Go Outside and Retrieve the Cat.” Of these, only “Speak” seems to have taken hold in its puny brain. Now I am trying to teach it “Shut Up.” Whenever I try to command it to sit, holding out a morsel of food as bribe, the dog’s rear is on the carpet for less than a second before it is barking, leaping to sniff my hands, turning excited circles, and drooling.
So it is with a certain amount of amazement that I’ve recently observed that the cats have decided, on their own, to take on the task of training the dog.
After my children have fled the dinner table (I am working on training them in the “Clear the Dishes” trick, but they prefer the “It’s Not My Job It Is Someone Else’s Turn” trick) the cats will leap up and sniff at the remains of the meal, disgusted that human beings can possibly eat anything less expensive than cat food. Then they stare over at the dog, who walks up to the table and sits down like a military K-9–back rigid, head alert, and SILENT. The cats inspect this performance, and, if they deem it worthy, bat down something from one of the plates, a crumb which my dog snatches out of the air like a short stop snagging a line drive. The canine instantly returns to parade rest, and the trick is repeated a few times.
Then the cats glance at each other, a certain smugness in their expression, like skating coaches who have seen their protege finally execute that triple axel. The dog watches, sensing what is coming. The cats nod and the canine rises in a motion I have never even attempted to teach her, a perfect “Sit Up,” with paws held motionless in the air in front of her face. The cats have taught the dog to pray to them.
With feline patience, they make the dog remain frozen in position for at least ten seconds before snaking a paw out and pitching another morsel into the canine’s mouth. That’s the end of the dog show, for now. The cats jump down and the dog returns to normal, literally shaking herself out of the spell and coming over to see whether slobbering on me will entice me to feed her. Next time the dog chews up one of my shoes, I’m not going to bother to punish her.
I’m just going to tell the cats about it.
Closer to Retirement
Now that I am getting older, I have done my research on retirement. I have found that the average cost for a nursing home is $300.00 per day. I decided that there must be a better way to deal with getting old and feeble yet having my needs met. This is my recommendation:
I have found that I can get a nice room at the local Holiday Inn for $99.00 per day. That leaves $201.00 a day for food (brought directly to you by room service), laundry, gratuities, and special TV movies. This cost includes use of a swimming pool, a lounge, a washer and dryer, and a business center with computers and a copy machine plus a free continental breakfast. They provide free shampoo and soap along with toothbrushes, toothpaste, and razors as required. I will have daily maid service and a free USA Today Monday through Friday. When I do decide to eat in the restaurant, I see different people every day, not the same old fogies that I would see in the dining room of a nursing home. If I join their frequent travelers Priority Club, I will soon accumulate enough points to get a DVD player or a free trip to Hawaii.
There may be a bit of a wait to get a first floor room, but thats okay because most of the time it takes months to get into a decent nursing home. The Holiday Inn has a handicapped equipped bus (if you fake a good enough limp), access to a church bus, cabs, and even the regular bus. Occasionally, for a change for lunch or dinner, I can take the airport bus and eat in one of the restaurants there.
Holiday Inn has security at night and if someone sees you fall, they will call an ambulance that should arrive promptly in five to seven minutes, quicker than the time it would take to get medical help to you in a nursing home. They have 24/7 visiting hours. As a bonus, they offer senior discounts. What more can you ask for?
My conclusion: When I reach those golden retirement years, please help me keep my grin. Just pack my bags and drop me off at our local Holiday Inn.
A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down.
After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit’s head, and said, “You’re under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I’ll shoot you.” But the bandit didn’t speak English, and the Ranger didn’t speak Spanish. The Ranger asked a local to translate his message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina. “What did he say?” asked the Ranger anxiously. The local answered, He say, “He no afraid to die!”
Two antennae met on a roof, fell in love and got married. Their wedding ceremony wasn’t fancy. The reception, however, was excellent.
A man and woman were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, “When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!” Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. Then one evening, he died when he was 98. After the burial, her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, “Aren’t you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?” The wife said, “Let him dig. I had him buried upside down…and I know he won’t ask for directions.”
A man has been lost and walking in the desert for about five days. One hot day–actually, they’re all hot–he comes to the home of a preacher. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep. The preacher takes him in and nurses him back to health. Feeling better, the man asks the preacher for directions to the nearest town. The preacher tells him the directions, and offers to lend him his horse to make it. The preacher says, “However, there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say ‘Thank God’ to make it go and ‘Amen’ to make it stop.” Anxious to get to town, the man says, “Sure, okay” and gets on the horse. He says, “Thank God” and sho ’nuff, the horse starts walking. A bit later he says louder, “Thank God, thank God,” and the horse starts trotting. Feeling really brave, the man says, “Thank God! Thank God! THANK GOD!” and the horse is soon up to a full run!
About then he realizes he’s heading for a huge cliff and yells “Whoa!” But the horse doesn’t even slow! It’s coming up REAL QUICK and he’s doing everything he can to make the horse stop. “Whoa, stop, hold on!” Finally he remembers “AMEN!!!”
The horse stops a mere two inches from the cliff’s edge, almost throwing him over its head. The man, panting and heart racing, wipes the sweat from his face and leans back in the saddle. “Oh!” he says, gasping for air, “Thank God.”
Open Mouth Insert Foot
There is a story about a new clerk in a supermarket. A customer asked him if she could buy half a grapefruit. Not knowing what to do, he excused himself to ask the manager. “Some nut out there wants to buy half a grapefruit…” he began, and, suddenly realizing that the customer had entered the office behind him, continued, “… and this lovely lady would like to buy the other half.” The manager was impressed with the way the clerk amicably resolved the problem and they later started chatting. “Where are you from?” asked the store manager. “Lancaster, Pennsylvania,” replied the clerk, “home of ugly women and great hockey teams.” “Oh, my WIFE is from Lancaster,” challenged the manager. Without skipping a beat, the clerk asked, “What team was she on?”
HOW TO KEEP THE OFFICE INTERESTING
~ Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you’re waiting for your document. ~ Arrive at a meeting late, say you’re sorry, but you didn’t have time for lunch, and you’re going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting eat 5 raw potatoes. ~ Insist that your e-mail address be email@example.com ~ Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them to sign a waiver. ~ Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that. ~ Page yourself over the intercom. (Don’t disguise your voice.) ~ Name all your pens and insist that meetings can’t begin until they’re all present. ~ Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. “That’s a good point, Sparky”…”No, I’m sorry I’m going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi.” ~ Include a piece of your children’s artwork as a cover page for all reports that you write. (If you don’t have children, draw stick figures yourself.)
Daily Thoughts: There are two things I’ve learned: There is a God. And, I’m not Him.
Things You Would Never Know Without The Movie Industry Part 2
~ You’re very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home. ~ The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris. ~ A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds. ~ It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations. ~ Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments. ~ All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they’re going to go off.
~ A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty. ~ If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps. ~ When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other. ~ Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.