Jokes December 2019


Wisdom from children


One Sunday a minister preached about shepherds. He explained that sheep need lots of guidance, and that a shepherd’s job is to stay close to the sheep, protect them from wild animals, and keep them from wandering off.  He said that the people of the church were God’s sheep. Then he asked, “If you are the sheep, who is the shepherd?” (He was pretty obviously indicating himself.) After a few seconds, a young boy piped up: “Jesus! Jesus is the shepherd.”
The minister, caught by surprise, asked, “Well, then, who am I?” The boy frowned thoughtfully.  “I guess you must be a sheep dog.”


You’ve been warned!


I just NEED to vent…I have had enough!!! I’ll never help anyone again…EVER!!! I’m too kindhearted, or just stupid! The other day it was so cold out that I took a man into my home out of the kindness of my heart. I felt so sorry for him. Poor thing looked about froze out there in the cold. Couldn’t even talk or move. But the next morning he had just vanished. Not a word…no goodbye or even a thank you for sheltering him! The last straw was when I realized he had peed all over the living room floor! That’s the thanks I get for being good to people??? I want to warn my friends to watch out for this man! He is heavy set, wearing nothing but a hat and scarf, he has a nose that looks like a carrot, two black eyes, and his arms are so skinny they look like sticks! Don’t bring him into your house!! He will make a huge mess on the floor and then disappear!


Christmas Giggles


How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas? Fleece Navidad. ~ What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?
Crisp Cringle. ~ Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit. ~ What do you get if you cross an apple with a Christmas Tree? A pineapple. ~ What did the guest sing at the Eskimo Christmas Party?  Freeze a jolly good fellow. ~ What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It’s Christmas, Eve!  ~ If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get? Missletoe. ~ If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called? A subordinate claus. ~ What do you have in December that you don’t have in any other month?  The letter “D”. ~ Why does Santa have 3 gardens? So, he can ho-ho-ho. ~ Why was Santa’s little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem. ~ What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite. ~ Knock Knock Who’s there? Holly Holly who? Holly-days are here again!


New driver’s License


When I went to get my driver’s license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license. He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, “I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture.” The clerk looked at his picture closely. “It’s okay,” he reassured the man, “that’s how you’re going to look when the cops pull you over anyway.”


Dressed to Impress


An older man, not in the best physical condition, goes to the local gym. Once dressed in his exercise clothes, he approaches a trainer in the gym. I want to impress a beautiful young girl. Which machine should I use? The trainer took one look at him and with a smile replied, Use the ATM machine outside!

Joseph saves the play

It was the night of the children’s Christmas play and little Johnny was upset because he didn’t get the part of Joseph.  He was assigned the inn keeper. Because he was still upset, when Joseph and Mary arrived at the inn to ask if there was room, little Johnny threw the play by saying, “Sure, come on in!” Joseph was at first taken aback, but with quick wit, stepped in, looked around and said, “This place is a dump. I’d rather stay in the barn.”


Can I borrow the car?


A young teen had just gotten his driver’s permit and inquired of his father, a pastor, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him into his study and said to the teen, “I’ll make a deal with you, son. You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible more, get your hair cut, and we’ll talk about the car.”
Well, the teen thought about it for a moment and decided he would settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about 6 weeks, the boy came back and again asked his father about using the car. Again, they went to the study, where his father said, “Son, I’m real proud of you. You brought your grades up, and I’ve observed that you’ve been studying your Bible more and participating a lot more in the Bible study class on Sunday morning. But, I’m real disappointed, since you haven’t gotten your hair cut.” The young man paused a moment, and then said, “You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that, and I’ve noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there’s even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair.” His father replied, “You’re right son. Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?”


WWJD — What Would Jesus Drive?

One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth because the Bible says, “God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury.” But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The passage urges the Lord to “pursue your enemies with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm.” Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses’ followers are warned not to go up a mountain “until the Ram’s horn sounds a long blast.” Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didn’t like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St. John’s gospel where Christ tells the crowd, “For I did not speak of my own Accord…” Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible passage declaring that “the roar of Moses’ Triumph is heard in the hills.” Joshua drove a sports car with a hole in its muffler, “Joshua’s Triumph was heard throughout the land.” And, following the Master’s lead, the Apostles car pooled in a Honda: “The Apostles were in one Accord.”


No Sleep

“This hotel stinks!” a guest complained when he showed up at the front desk to check out. “What’s wrong?” I asked. “I got no sleep. Every 15 minutes this loud banging sound woke me up!” I apologized for the noise and checked him out. A few minutes later, a couple showed up. Again, I made the mistake of asking how their stay was. “Terrible!” They said. “The guy in the next room was snoring so loudly that we had to bang on the wall every 15 minutes to wake him up!”


Thoughts for the Day:


The older you get, the better you realize you were. ~ My goal for 2020 is to accomplish the goals set in 2019 which I should have done in 2018 because I promised to in 2017 and planned to do in 2016. ~ Christmas gift suggestions: To your enemy, forgiveness. To an opponent, tolerance. To a friend, your heart. To a customer, service. To all, charity. To every child, a good example. To yourself, respect. ~ Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth; Goodwill to Men; and Batteries not included. ~ Humans: The only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home. ~ Wife to husband: “This Christmas let’s give each other sensible gifts like ties and fur coats.” ~ Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often. ~ What is the biggest lie in the entire universe? “I have read and agree to the Terms & Conditions.”


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