A man is recovering from surgery when the surgical nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
“I’m okay but I didn’t like the four-letter words the doctor used in surgery,” he answered. “What did he say??” asked the nurse. “‘Oops!'”
Progress always involves risks. You can’t steal second base and keep your foot on first.
Family Tree Of Vincent Van Gogh
His dizzy aunt – Verti Gogh. The brother who ate prunes – Gotta Gogh. The brother who worked at a convenience store- Stop N Gogh. The grandfather from Yugoslavia – U Gogh. His magician uncle – Where-diddy Gogh. The nephew who drove a stage coach – Wells-far Gogh. The constipated uncle – Can’t Gogh.
The ballroom dancing aunt – Tang Gogh. The bird lover uncle – Flamin Gogh. The fruit-loving cousin – Man Gogh. An aunt who taught positive thinking – Way-to-Gogh. The little bouncy nephew – Poe Gogh. A sister who loved disco – Go Gogh and his niece who travels the country in an RV – Winnie Bay Gogh.
After a fender-bender, the teenaged driver pointed to the damage and said: “Great news, Dad–you haven’t been pouring those insurance payments down the drain after all!”
One Sunday a cowboy went to church — and he and the preacher were the only people there! The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach. The cowboy said, “Well, if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I’d feed him.” The preacher realized the truth of this, and was inspired to preach a stem-winder of a sermon. Afterward, he asked the cowboy how he had liked the sermon. The cowboy answered, “Well, if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn’t feed him ALL the hay.”
Old age is coming at a really bad time!
Religious Show and Tell
A kindergarten teacher gave her class a “show and tell” assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object to share with the class that represented their religion. The first student got up in front of the class and said, “My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David.” The second student got up in front of the class and said, “My name is Mary. I’m a Catholic and this is a Rosary.” The third student got in up front of the class and said, “My name is Tommy. I am Methodist, and this is a casserole.”
Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
A visitor to Israel attended a recital and concert at the Moscovitz Auditorium. He was quite impressed with the architecture and the acoustics. He inquired of the tour guide, “Is this magnificent auditorium named after Chaim Moscovitz, the famous Talmudic scholar?” “No,” replied the guide. “It is named after Sam Moscovitz, the writer.” Never heard of him,” said the visitor. “What did he write?” “A check,” replied the guide.
A Man’s First Love
A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report that his wife was missing. Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home. Sergeant: What is her height? Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall. Sergeant: Weight? Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat. Sergeant: Color of eyes? Husband: Never noticed. Sergeant: Color of hair? Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown. Sergeant: What was she wearing? Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly. Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in? Husband: She went in my truck. Sergeant: What kind of truck was it? Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and “Bubba” floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six-cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the driver’s door. At this point the husband started choking up. Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck.
I want one of those jobs where people ask, “Do you actually get paid to do this??”
Here is an explanation of our school’s homework policy: Students should not spend more than 90 minutes per night. This time should be budgeted in the following manner: ~ 15 minutes looking for assignment.
~ 11 minutes texting a friend about the assignment. ~ 23 minutes explaining why the teacher is mean and just does not like children. ~ 8 minutes in the bathroom. ~ 10 minutes getting a snack. ~ 7 minutes checking what’s on TV. ~ 6 minutes telling parents that the teacher never explained the assignment. ~ 10 minutes sitting at the kitchen table waiting for Mom or Dad to do the assignment.
I tried to exercise, but I was allergic to it. My skin flushed and my heart raced. I got sweaty and short of breath. Very dangerous.
My Son the Surgeon
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anaesthesia, he asked to speak to his son. “Yes, Dad, what is it?” “Don’t be nervous, son; do your best, and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife.”
Drive defensively. Buy a tank.
~ It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs, because they always take things literally. ~ It’s okay to be smarter than people…just don’t tell them so. ~ Laugh every day; it’s like inner jogging. ~ Let not the sands of time get in your lunch. ~ Love at first sight is nice, but it might be wise to take a second look. ~ May God give you the courage to speak when you need to, the strength to refrain when it’s appropriate, and the wisdom to know the difference. ~ My brain is so crowded with valuable information that I can’t think anymore. ~ My secrets are safe with my friends because they can’t remember them either. ~ No matter how hard you hug your money, it never hugs back. ~ Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission. ~ Nobody ever listens himself out of a job. ~ One of the greatest labor-saving inventions of today is tomorrow. ~ Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet. ~ Patience isn’t the ability to wait. It’s how you behave while waiting. ~ Pavlov is sitting in a diner when all of the sudden the phone rings. Pavlov gasps, “Oh no, I forgot to feed the dogs.” ~ People who are wrong can be hard to correct. People who are right can be hard to live with.