A man and woman were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, “When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!” Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. Then one evening, he died when he was 98. After the burial, her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, “Aren’t you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?” The wife said, “Let him dig. I had him buried upside down…and I know he won’t ask for directions.”
A man has been lost and walking in the desert for about five days. One hot day–actually, they’re all hot–he comes to the home of a preacher. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep. The preacher takes him in and nurses him back to health. Feeling better, the man asks the preacher for directions to the nearest town. The preacher tells him the directions, and offers to lend him his horse to make it. The preacher says, “However, there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say ‘Thank God’ to make it go and ‘Amen’ to make it stop.”
Anxious to get to town, the man says, “Sure, okay” and gets on the horse. He says, “Thank God” and sho ‘nuff, the horse starts walking. A bit later he says louder, “Thank God, thank God,” and the horse starts trotting. Feeling really brave, the man says, “Thank God! Thank God! THANK GOD!” and the horse is soon up to a full run! About then he realizes he’s heading for a huge cliff and yells “Whoa!” But the horse doesn’t even slow! It’s coming up REAL QUICK and he’s doing everything he can to make the horse stop. “Whoa, stop, hold on!” Finally he remembers “AMEN!!!”
The horse stops a mere two inches from the cliff’s edge, almost throwing him over its head. The man, panting and heart racing, wipes the sweat from his face and leans back in the saddle. “Oh!” he says, gasping for air, “Thank God.”
Open Mouth Insert Foot
There is a story about a new clerk in a supermarket. A customer asked him if she could buy half a grapefruit. Not knowing what to do, he excused himself to ask the manager. “Some nut out there wants to buy half a grapefruit…” he began, and, suddenly realizing that the customer had entered the office behind him, continued, “… and this lovely lady would like to buy the other half.” The manager was impressed with the way the clerk amicably resolved the problem and they later started chatting. “Where are you from?” asked the store manager. “Lancaster, Pennsylvania,” replied the clerk, “home of ugly women and great hockey teams.” “Oh, my WIFE is from Lancaster,” challenged the manager. Without skipping a beat, the clerk asked, “What team was she on?”
Things You Would Never Know Without The Movie Industry Part 2
~ You’re very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home. ~ The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris. ~ A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds. ~ It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations. ~ Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments. ~ All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they’re going to go off.
~ A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty. ~ If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps. ~ When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other. ~ Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.
A Travel Funny
A large, two-engined train was making its way across America. While crossing the Western mountains, one of the engines broke down. “No problem, we can make it to Denver and get a replacement engine there,” the engineer thought, and carried on at half power. Farther on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill in the middle of nowhere. The engineer needed to inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and always trying to look on the bright side of things, made the following announcement: “Ladies and Gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time until the additional engines arrive. The good news is that you didn’t take this trip in a plane!”
Wonders of the Park
While walking in the park one day, I was taking in the beautiful lake, blooming flowers, and just enjoying the oversized wide path that I could walk on but on which people could also jog, run their dogs or ride their bikes.
As I was coming down a hill, I saw an older woman coming toward me, pushing a stroller with two toddlers in it. We’re coming to a hill, the presumable grandmother said to the children, so you’ll have to help me…are you ready?
I wondered how those little toddlers would be of any assistance, but as I passed them, I heard them earnestly repeating: I think I can, I think I can…
A new business was opening and one of the owners friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, Rest in Peace. The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, Sir, Im really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this. Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, Congratulations on your new location!
PSALM 23 FOR THE WORKPLACE
The Lord is my real boss, and I shall not want.
He gives me peace, when chaos is all around me.
He gently reminds me to pray and do all things without murmuring and complaining.
He reminds me that HE is my source (and not my job.) He restores my sanity everyday and guides my decisions that I might honor him in all that I do.
Even though I face an absurd amount of e-mails, system crashes, unrealistic deadlines, budget cutbacks, gossiping co-workers, discriminating supervisors and an aging body that doesn’t cooperate every morning, I still will not stop – for He is with me!
His presence, His peace, and His power will see me through.
He raises me up, even when they fail to promote me.
He claims me as His own, even when the company threatens to let me go.
His faithfulness and love are better than any bonus check.
His retirement plan beats every 401k there is!
When it’s all said and done, I’ll be working for Him a whole lot longer and for that, I bless His name!