A Sure Cure
A woman went to the doctor’s office where she was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told Him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, “What’s the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?!” The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, “Does she still have the hiccups?”
I know you are but what am I
An old man was wondering if his wife had a hearing problem. So one night, he stood behind her while she was sitting in her lounge chair. He spoke softly to her, “Honey, can you hear me?” There was no response.
He moved a little closer and said again, “Honey, can you hear me?” Still, there was no response. Finally he moved right behind her and said, “Honey, can you hear me?” She replied, “For the third time, Yes!”
~ Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it. ~ Allege: A rocky platform on a mountain. ~ Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonald’s. ~ Arson: Our daughter’s brother. ~ Autobiography: A history of cars. ~ Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do.
~ Backward: Patient rooms at the rear of a hospital. ~ Baloney: Where some hemlines fall. ~ Bassinet: What every fisherman wants. ~ Belong: To take your time. ~ Bernadette: The act of torching a mortgage.
~ Book: A utensil used to pass time while waiting for the computer repairman. ~ Brain: The apparatus with which we think that we think. ~ Budget: A method for going broke methodically. ~ Bureaucracy: A method of turning energy into solid waste. ~ Burglarize: What a crook sees with. ~ Carpet: A dog that enjoys riding in an automobile. ~ Circular Definition: See Definition, Circular. ~ Coffee: Break fluid. ~ Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage. ~ Condescend: A prisoner escaping down the wall using a rope. ~ Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets. ~ Deduce: De lowest card in de deck. ~ Democracy: Four wolves and a lamb voting on lunch.
Mrs. Baker, a fifth grade teacher, observed a student in her class during a True/False test, flipping a coin and then choosing an answer. Mrs. Baker thought to herself, “Hah! Norman didn’t study again.” This answer selection method continued throughout the entire test. After Norman was obviously finished, Mrs. Baker again watched Norman flipping the coin and continuing through the test a second time. “Norman, what are you doing now?” asked Mrs. Baker. Norman replied, “I’m doing what you always tell us to do! I’m checking my answers!
Times are tough. The National Levitation Society went out of business because they couldn’t raise money.
Swamp Yankee Ingenuity
When the power mower broke and wouldn’t run, I kept hinting to my husband that he ought to get it fixed, but somehow the message never sank in. Finally I thought of a clever way to make my point. When my husband arrived home the next day, he found me seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. He watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. He was gone only a few moments when he came out again. He handed me a toothbrush. When you finish cutting the grass,” he said, “you might as well sweep the sidewalks” The doctors say he will probably live, but it will be quite awhile before the casts come off.
This year I’m using big words to sound smart…Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence.
A whale of a story
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah.” The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?” The little girl replied, “Then you ask him.”
From the mouths of babes
A pastor was doing his children’s sermon with all the youngsters down front to hear the lesson. He was discussing the story of Jonah. He quoted the scriptures from Jonah 1 and 2: “And the Lord appointed a great fish to swallow up Jonah; and Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights. Then Jonah prayed to the Lord his God from the belly of the fish, saying ‘I called to the Lord our of my distress and He answered me.’ … and the Lord spoke to the fish, and it vomited out Jonah upon the dry land” (Jonah 1:17; 2:2, 10). When the pastor finished the quotation, he started trying to solicit input from the youngsters to help him complete his mini-sermon. He asked thoughtfully, “What does the fish vomiting Jonah out on dry land indicate to us today?” One of the youngsters spoke with great enthusiasm for the entire congregation to hear, “It proves that even a fish can’t stomach a bad preacher!”
There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.
Directions and Fools
Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry. The father did everything he could think of to do but the baby wouldn’t stop crying. Finally, the dad got so worried he decided to take the infant to the doctor. After the doctor listened to the father all that he had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the baby’s ears, chest and then down to the diaper area. When he undid the diaper, he found that the diaper was indeed full. “Here’s the problem,” the doctor said. “He needs a change.” The father was very perplexed, “But the diaper package says it’s good for up to 10 pounds!”
A Fish Story
Fisherman: “Let me tell you about the 30 pound bass I caught! That thing fought for three hours before I finally landed it.” Friend: “Wait, I saw the picture you posted online — you’re lucky if it even weighed 10 pounds.” Fisherman: “Well, a fish can lose an awful lot of weight during three hours of fighting.”
Can you hear me now?
Three elderly men are walking through the park. The first says, “It sure is windy.” The second responds, “No it isn’t, it’s Thursday.” The third says, “I am too. Let’s get something to drink.”
Recently in traffic court, a man who received an expensive parking ticket testified that a uniformed policeman had given his okay for the man to park there. The judge asked the man if he would recognize the officer if he ever saw him again, and the man replied that he would. The judge then said, “Good. When you see the officer again, tell him he owes you $157. Next.”
A Case of Mistaken Identity
Debby punched in her boyfriend’s new phone number — and a woman answered. “Is Mike there?” asked Debby, confused. “Umm, he’s in the shower,” the woman responded. “Please tell him his girlfriend called,” Debby said and hung up. When he didn’t return the call, Debby dialed again. This time a man answered. “This is Mike,” he said. “You’re not my boyfriend!” exclaimed Debby. “I know,” he replied. “That’s what I’ve been trying to tell my wife for the past half-hour.”
WIFE: “There’s trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor.” HUSBAND: “Water in the carburetor? That’s ridiculous ” WIFE: “I tell you the car has water in the carburetor.” HUSBAND: “You don’t even know what a carburetor is. I’ll check it out. Where’s the car?” WIFE: “In the pool”