A man was telling his neighbor, “I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art. It’s perfect.” “Really?” answered the neighbor. “What kind is it?”
“Oh, no problem. It’s 2:33.”
Airhead: “Hey, can you come pick me up? Car trouble again.”
Friend: “OK. (sigh) What went wrong this time?”
Airhead: “It’s the brakes.”
Friend: “Well, I’ll be right there. Where are you?”
Airhead: “I’m in the drugstore.”
Friend: “And where’s the car?”
Airhead: “It’s in here with me.”
People who are wrong can be hard to correct. People who are right can be hard to live with.
A Little Loopy
A lady who was speeding was pulled over to the side of the road by an officer. She didn’t have her seat belt on so as soon as she stopped, she quickly slipped it on before the officer got to her window. After talking to her about speeding, the officer said, “I see you are wearing your seat belt. Do you believe in wearing it at all times?” “Oh, yes I do, officer,” she replied. “Well,” asked the officer, “do you always loop it through your steering wheel?”
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.
For those suffering from Global Warming…
LESSONS LEARNED DURING AN EXTENDED POWER OUTAGE
* Coffee and frozen pizzas can be made on a BBQ grill.
* No matter how many times you flick the switch, lights don’t work without electricity.
* He who has the biggest generator wins.
* There are a lot more stars in the sky than most people realize.
* TV is an addiction and the withdrawal symptoms are painful.
* Crickets can increase their volume to overcome the sound of 14 generators.
* Telemarketers function no matter what the weather is doing.
* Cell phones work when landlines are down, but only as long as the batteries remain charged.
* A store that sold only ice, chainsaws, gas, and generators would make serious money.
* I can walk a lot farther than I thought.
Two can live as cheaply as one–for half as long.
During our church’s worship service, the pastor invites all the young children to join him near the altar for the children’s sermon. One day, with several small children in attendance, he spoke about the ingredients required to make up a church, using a chocolate chip cookie as an example. He explained to the children that, as with a cookie requiring ingredients such as sugar and eggs, the church needed ingredients to make up the congregation. Holding a cookie aloft, he asked, “If I took the chocolate chips out of this cookie, what would I have?” A shy six-year-old raised his hand. “Six less grams of fat,” he replied.
From my 8-year-old after our 5th week in a sermon study of Genesis: “When we get to Revelation, how old will I be?”
YOU KNOW YOU’RE NO LONGER A KID WHEN…
Just one peanut butter and jelly sandwich doesn’t do it any more. ~ Driving a car doesn’t always sound like fun. ~ The average ten-year-old doesn’t have a clue who Bo and Luke Duke are. ~ Being bad is no longer cool. ~ You have friends who have kids. ~ Saturday mornings are for sleeping. ~ You are taller than the slide at the McDonald’s playland. ~ Your parents’ jokes are now funny. ~ You would rather wear your dirty clothes again, ’cause mom is not there to do your laundry anymore. ~ Naps are good. ~ Hitting girls is no longer considered flirting. ~ When things go wrong, you can’t just yell, “Do-over!” ~ The only thing in your cereal box is…cereal. ~ You actually buy scarves, gloves, and sunscreen. ~ Your idea of fun parties now include chips ‘n’ salsa and Snapple. ~ You leave concerts and ballgames early to beat the crowd. ~ You WANT clothes for Christmas. ~ You don’t want a Camaro because of the insurance premiums. ~ You look in the surveillance camera monitor at the convenience store, wonder who that guy is standing at the counter with the bald spot, and then realize it is a shot of you from behind.
GRANDPARENTS – as defined by children
~ Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of her own. They like other people’s.
~ A grandfather is a man grandmother. ~ Grandparents don’t have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn’t play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the store and have lots of quarters for us. ~ They don’t say, “Hurry up.” ~ Usually grandmothers are fat, but not too fat to tie your shoes. ~ They wear glasses and funny underwear. ~ Grandparents don’t have to be smart. ~ Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don’t have television, because they are the only grown-ups who like to spend time with us. ~ They know we should have snack-time before bedtime.
~ They kiss us even when we’ve acted bad.
Modern Day Marketing
Young Chuck moved to Montana and bought a horse from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day he drove up and said, “Sorry son, but I have some bad news, The horse died.” Chuck replied, “Well, then just give me my money back.” The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.” Chuck said, “Okay, then, just bring me the dead horse.” The farmer asked, “What ya gonna do with him?” Chuck said, “I’m going to raffle him off.” The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead horse!” Chuck said, “Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.” A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, “What happened with that dead horse?” Chuck said, “I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a net profit of $898.” The farmer said, “Didn’t anyone complain?” Chuck said, “Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.”
Famous Last Words…
A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation. “What’s the matter?” he was asked. He said, “I heard the nurse say, ‘It’s a very simple operation, don’t worry, I’m sure it will be all right.'” “She was just trying to comfort you, what’s so frightening about that?” “She wasn’t talking to me. She was talking to my surgeon!”