Humor July 2015




Answers at the bottom of the page.


A Special Anniversary

A couple is planning their 40th anniversary party. She: “I think I’ll wear silver shoes.” He: “To match your hair!”  She: “Yes, dear — so I suppose you’ll be barefoot…”



A Sinners Prayer


Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking space. Looking up to heaven, he said, “Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking space, I will go to church every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish whiskey!” Miraculously, a parking space suddenly appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, “Never mind. I found one.”



The perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 or 70 or more!


  1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you. 2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
  2. No one expects you to run … anywhere. 4. People call at 9 PM and ask, did I wake you? 5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. 6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way. 7. Things you buy now won’t wear out. 8. You can eat supper at 4 pm. 9. You can live without sex but not your glasses. 10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans. 11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. 12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room. 13. You sing along with elevator music. 14. Your eyes won’t get much worse. 15 Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. 16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.
  3. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either. 18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size. 19. You can’t remember where you got this list.


Pessimist:  “Things can’t possibly get any worse than this!!”  Optimist: “Oh yes they can.”



The Husband and the Cat


A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway! The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out of the car and quickly headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat again! He kept taking the cat further and further away but the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive quite a few miles away–so he turned right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there. Hours later the man calls home to his wife: “Hon, is the cat there?” “Yes,” the wife answers, “why do you ask?” Frustrated, the man answered, “Can you please put him on the phone? I’m lost and need directions.”


Thoughts for July 2015

What hair color do they put on the driver’s license of a bald man? The best thing to spend on your children is time. When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane. You cannot discover new oceans unless you have courage to lose sight of the shore. When it rains, why don’t sheep shrink? Politicians should wear uniforms like NASCAR drivers so we could identify their sponsors. The biggest problem with the younger generation these days, is that I don’t belong to it any more. There are two classes of people: Those who have ulcers and those who cause them. The kids text me “plz” which is shorter than please. I text back “no” which is shorter than “yes.” You can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. Whoever said there is no such thing as a stupid question has never worked in customer service. My wife wanted a new leather handbag for her birthday, she had a lot of purse-sueding to do. I’ve learned that even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one.  When at a loss for the right word to say, try silence.


Attitude of Gratitude


A 92-year-old, petite, well-poised and proud man, who is fully dressed each morning by eight o’clock, with his hair fashionably combed and shaved perfectly, even though he is legally blind, moved to a nursing home today. His wife of 70 years recently passed away, making the move necessary.


After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, he smiled sweetly when told his room was ready. As he maneuvered his walker to the elevator, I provided a visual description of his tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had been hung on his window.


“I love it,” he stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old having just been presented with a new puppy. “Mr. Jones, you haven’t seen the room; just wait.”  “That doesn’t have anything to do with it,” he replied. “Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time. Whether I like my room or not doesn’t depend on how the furniture is arranged. It’s how I arrange my mind. I already decided to love it. It’s a decision I make every morning when I wake up. I have a choice; I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do. Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open, I’ll focus on the new day and all the happy memories I’ve stored away. Just for this time in my life…”


The Geek and the Babyboomer


As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers. Yesterday, I had a problem, so I called Georgie, the 11-year-old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over. Georgie clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him, “So, what was wrong?”  He replied, “It was an ID ten T error.” I didn’t want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, “An ID ten T error? What’s that? In case I need to fix it again.” Georgie grinned, “Haven’t you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?” “No,” I replied. “Write it down,” he said, “and I think you’ll figure it out.” So I wrote down: ID10T …I used to like Georgie.





This 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to the wife’s interest in health food and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they “oohed” and “aahed,” the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. “It’s free,” Peter replied, “This is Heaven.”  Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges every day; and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.  The old man asked, “What are the green fees?” Peter’s reply, “This is Heaven! You play for free.”  Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. “How much to eat?” asked the old man. “Don’t you understand yet? This is Heaven, it’s free!” Peter replied with some exasperation. “Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?” the old man asked timidly. Peter explained, “That’s the best part–you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven!”  With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.  Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.  The old man looked at his wife and said, “This is all your fault! If it weren’t for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!”


The Devil Made Me Buy It


The poor country pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought.  “How could you do this!” he exclaimed.  “I don’t know,” she wailed, “I was standing in the store looking at the dress.  Then I found myself trying it on.  It was like the Devil was whispering to me, ‘You look great in that dress.  You should buy it.’” “Well,” the pastor persisted, “You know how to deal with him!  Just tell him, ‘Get behind me, Satan!’” “I did,” replied his wife.  “But then, he said, ‘It looks great from back here, too!’”




Farmer wisdom: Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps.




Leave a Reply