Humor June 2015

Tom Brady - Cheaters never prosperAttitude of Gratitude

A 92-year-old, petite, well-poised and proud man, who is fully dressed each morning by eight o’clock, with his hair fashionably combed and shaved perfectly, even though he is legally blind, moved to a nursing home today. His wife of 70 years recently passed away, making the move necessary.


After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, he smiled sweetly when told his room was ready. As he maneuvered his walker to the elevator, I provided a visual description of his tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had been hung on his window.


“I love it,” he stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old having just been presented with a new puppy.

“Mr. Jones, you haven’t seen the room; just wait.”  “That doesn’t have anything to do with it,” he replied. “Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time. Whether I like my room or not doesn’t depend on how the furniture is arranged. It’s how I arrange my mind. I already decided to love it. It’s a decision I make every morning when I wake up. I have a choice; I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do. Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open, I’ll focus on the new day and all the happy memories I’ve stored away. Just for this time in my life…”


The Geek and the Babyboomer

As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers. Yesterday, I had a problem, so I called Georgie, the 11-year-old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over. Georgie clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him, “So, what was wrong?”  He replied, “It was an ID ten T error.” I didn’t want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, “An ID ten T error? What’s that? In case I need to fix it again.” Georgie grinned, “Haven’t you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?” “No,” I replied. “Write it down,” he said, “and I think you’ll figure it out.” So I wrote down: ID10T …I used to like Georgie.


Wisdom for the Ages

1. You don’t have an attitude problem. They just have a perception problem. 2. We have 35 million laws to enforce the Ten Commandments. 3. It’s hard to gain a toehold if you’re acting like a heel. 4. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong. 5. Stay away from negative people. They have a problem for every solution. 6. My people skills are just fine. It’s my tolerance to idiots that needs work. 7. I have joined the Anti-Crastination League. We are going Pro soon. 8. I’m going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I’ll do the second week. 9. Birthdays are good for you … the more you have the longer you live.



This 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to the wife’s interest in health food and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they “oohed” and “aahed,” the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. “It’s free,” Peter replied, “This is Heaven.”  Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges every day; and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.  The old man asked, “What are the green fees?” Peter’s reply, “This is Heaven! You play for free.”  Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. “How much to eat?” asked the old man. “Don’t you understand yet? This is Heaven, it’s free!” Peter replied with some exasperation. “Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?” the old man asked timidly. Peter explained, “That’s the best part–you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven!”  With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.  Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.  The old man looked at his wife and said, “This is all your fault! If it weren’t for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!”


Texas Know-how

A Texas rancher was visiting an Iowa farm. The Iowa farmer was very proud of his two hundred acres of rich, productive land.  “Is this your whole farm?” the Texan asked. “Why, back in Texas, I get in my car at five o’clock in the morning, and I drive and drive all day. At dusk I am just reaching the end of my ranch.”

The old Iowa farmer thought a while and replied, “Yeah, I used to have a car like that too.”



I have been in many places, but I’ve never been in Kahoots. Apparently, you can’t go alone. I’ve also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there. I have, however, been in Sane. They don’t have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my children, friends, family and work. I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I’m not too much on physical activity anymore.  I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I’ve been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm. Sometimes I’m in Capable, and I go there more often as I’m getting older. One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense. It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get! I may have been in Continent, but I don’t remember what country I was in. It’s an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.


The Devil Made Me Buy It

The poor country pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought.  “How could you do this!” he exclaimed.  “I don’t know,” she wailed, “I was standing in the store looking at the dress.  Then I found myself trying it on.  It was like the Devil was whispering to me, ‘You look great in that dress.  You should buy it.'” “Well,” the pastor persisted, “You know how to deal with him!  Just tell him, ‘Get behind me, Satan!'” “I did,” replied his wife.  “But then, he said, ‘It looks great from back here, too!'”



~ Nike “swoosh” on the cross ~ Communion now sponsored by Welch’s Grape Juice ~ Personal pew licenses now sold ~ Baptismals include dolphin show from Sea World  ~ The 12 disciples replaced by Disney characters ~ Luxury pews with wet bar and satellite TV  ~ Scripture verses brought to you by Microsoft ~ Bulletin has coupon section  ~ Offering envelopes bearing Visa or Mastercard emblems on them  ~ Handicap parking sponsored by the Family Medical Group, LLC  ~ Wednesday night suppers sponsored by KFC  ~ Sunday morning televised services sponsored by the FOX network ~ Church bell chimes to the tune of the NBC chimes  ~ Choir robes with the Lands’ End emblem on front ~ Sunday bulletins with the CNN logo  ~ Church flag football team sponsored by the NFL



Why do seagulls live near the sea? A. If they lived near the bay, they’d be bagels.

Q: What do you call 100 rabbits dancing backward? A: A receding hare line.


Proverbial Musings

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this stuff before. ~ The best reason for the right thing today is tomorrow. ~ The math teacher went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it. ~ The mighty oak was once just a little nut that held its ground. ~ The nice thing about cold weather is that you immediately know if you’ve walked outside with your fly unzipped. ~ The only people who listen to both sides of an argument are the neighbors. ~ The person who spends all day bragging about what he is going to accomplish tomorrow probably did the very same thing yesterday. ~ The reason politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they don’t want to live under the laws they’ve passed. ~ The trick is to not let anyone know how really weird you are until it’s too late to back out. ~ There are three kinds of people: those who can count & those who can’t. ~ There are three ways to get something done: 1. Do it yourself 2. Hire someone 3. Forbid your kids to do it ~ There are two rules for success: 1. Never reveal everything you know. ~ There are two sides to every argument, unless a person is personally involved, in which case there is only one. ~ There are two types of people in this world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data. ~ There is a guaranteed way to get what you want: Want less.


Sung to the tune of the Beatles’ song “Yesterday”:
All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.

There’s not half the files there used to be,
And there’s a milestone hanging over me
The system crashed so suddenly.

I pushed something wrong
What it was I could not say.

Now all my data’s gone
and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.

The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay,
Now I believe in yesterday.


If you think nothing is impossible, try slamming a revolving door.



Here are several very important but often forgotten rules of English:

1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They’re old hat.)

4. Employ the vernacular.
5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
7. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
8. Contractions aren’t necessary.
9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
10. One should never generalize.
11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: “I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.”
12. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
13. Don’t be redundant; don’t use more words than necessary; it’s highly superfluous.
14. Be more or less specific.
15. Understatement is always best.
16. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
17. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
19. The passive voice is to be avoided.
20. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
21. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
22. Who needs rhetorical questions?


There are only 8 questions. This is a quiz for people who know everything. These are not trick questions – they are straight questions with straight answers…
Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.
2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?
3 Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?
4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?
5. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters ‘ dw’ and they are all common words. Name two of them.
6. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at least half of them?
7. Name the only vegetable AND fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.
8. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter ‘S.’


1. Boxing. 2. Niagara Falls … The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute. 3. Asparagus and rhubarb. 4. Strawberry. 5. Three English words beginning with dw: Dwarf, dwell and dwindle… 6. Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation mark, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses. 7. Lettuce & Watermelon. 8. Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts.



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