A Yuck funny
Parent: “No. Why would you ask a question like that?”
Child: “Well, there was one in your salad, but it’s gone now.”
A Limited Budget Service
A man and his ten-year-old son were on a fishing trip miles from home. Being good Christians they decided to attend the Sunday worship service at a small rural church. The father forgot to bring any cash, so he reached in his pocket and gave his son a dime to drop in the offering plate as it was passed. As they walked back to their car after the service, the father complained. “The service was too long,” he lamented. “The sermon was boring, and the singing was off-key.” Finally the boy said with a grin, “Dad, I thought it was pretty good for a dime.”
A priest was invited to attend a house party. Naturally, he was properly dressed and wearing his priest’s collar. A little boy kept staring at him the entire evening. Finally, the priest asked the little boy what he was staring at. The little boy pointed to the priest’s neck. When the priest finally realized what the boy was pointing at, he asked him, “Do you know why I am wearing that?” The boy nodded his head yes, and replied, “It kills fleas and ticks for up to three months.”
THE FIRST CHURCH OF FOOTBALL
In a never-ending effort to attract the unchurched, some churches have considered translating their unfamiliar terminology into familiar football phrases:
ILLEGAL CONTACT: What gets some church leaders into trouble and out of the ministry.
ILLEGAL MOTION: Leaving before the benediction.
INTERFERENCE: Talking during the organ prelude.
OFFSIDES: When an orchestra member accidentally walks into the choir room (severe penalty incurred).
PASS: When the new couple says no.
PASS INTERFERENCE: 1. Single male usher spots single woman in audience. 2. A parent moving between two teens in the pew to halt the flow of notes back and forth during the sermon.
QUARTERBACK SNEAK: 1. How the pastor gets from the pulpit to the rear door during the benediction.
- Sunday school teachers entering the building five minutes after classes began.
RAIN DELAY: Baptism
RED DOG: Common strategy performed each Sunday by those who “own” their own pew.
SUDDEN DEATH: The penalty to the pastor who preaches more than 25 minutes.
TACKLE: 1. What happens to the only eligible bachelor at the 35-and-over singles enrichment retreat.
- Asking that “new couple” to sing in the choir, work in the nursery, serve on a committee, join a Bible study, and teach the middle schoolers before they get away.
TIME-OUT: Refreshment time in the Fellowship Hall.
TWO-MINUTE WARNING: The pastor’s wife looking at her watch in full view of the pastor.
UNSPORTSMANLIKE CONDUCT: Usually takes place at a committee meeting to decide on the color of carpet or some other thing.
Faithful till the end
A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow’s absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, “How come after all these years we don’t see you at services anymore?” The old man lowered his voice. “I’ll tell you, Rabbi,” he whispered, “When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must’ve forgotten about me, and I don’t want to remind Him!”
For the Dogs
Howard dragged himself into his doctor’s office one day looking very exhausted. “Doctor Kane,” he said, “there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can’t get a wink of sleep!”
“I have good news for you, Howard,” Doctor Kane said, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. “Here are some new sleeping pills that were just approved. They work like a dream. Just a few of these and your troubles will be over.” “Great,” said Howard, “I’ll try anything. Let’s give it a shot.”
Dr. Kane gave him the pills. Howard thanked him and left. Two weeks later, Howard came back to Dr. Kane’s office looking worse than ever. “Doc, your plan is no good. I’m more tired than ever!” Howard exclaimed. “I don’t understand how that could be,” said Dr. Kane, shaking his head. “Those are the strongest pills on the market!” “That may be true,” answered Howard wearily, “but I’m still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one, it’s really hard getting him to swallow the pill!”
The Flying Fools
The airplane’s pilot came on the PA to make an announcement to the passengers: “This is your captain speaking. We have lost one engine and we will be 20 minutes late landing.” A bit later: “This is your captain speaking again. We have lost another engine and we will be 40 minutes late landing.” A bit later still – and in a somewhat agitated voice: “This is your captain speaking again. We have lost another engine and we will be an hour late landing.” One passenger said to another passenger, “I hope we don’t lose the last engine or we’ll be up here all night.
Thoughts for daily survival:
I’m absolutely convinced the socks that go missing from the dryer turn into extra Tupperware lids. Old age is coming at a really bad time! We didn’t lose the game; we just ran out of time. The biggest lie I tell myself is “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.” Warning: Dates on calendar are closer than they appear. Wealthy people miss one of life’s greatest thrills: Making the last car payment. When the going gets tough, everyone leaves. What hair color do they put on the driver’s license of a bald man? You fall the way you lean. Funny, but I can’t name a business that’s like show business. How come, no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?
Thoughts for the Day:
Advice is like castor oil – easy enough to give, but dreadfully uneasy to take. All I want is a chance to prove that winning the lottery won’t solve all my problems. Why do banks charge you a “non-sufficient funds fee” on money they already know you don’t have? The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas! Background and circumstances may influence who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
A Journey Called Life
A mouse looked through the crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife open a package. “What food might this contain?” the mouse wondered. He was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap. Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed this warning: “There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!” The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said, “Mr. Mouse, I can tell this is a grave concern to you, but it is of no consequence to me. I cannot be bothered by it.” The mouse turned to the pig and told him, “There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!” The pig sympathized, but said, “I am so very sorry, Mr. Mouse, but there is nothing I can do about it but pray. Be assured you are in my prayers.” The mouse turned to the cow and said, “There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!” The cow said, “Wow, Mr. Mouse. I’m sorry for you, but it’s no skin off my nose.” So, the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected, to face the farmer’s mousetrap . . . alone. That very night a sound was heard throughout the house — the sound of a mousetrap catching its prey. The farmer’s wife rushed to see what was caught. In the darkness, she did not see it — a venomous snake whose tail was caught in the trap. The snake bit the farmer’s wife. The farmer rushed her to the hospital. When she returned home she still had a fever. Everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup. So the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup’s main ingredient: But his wife’s sickness continued. Friends and neighbors came to sit with her around the clock. To feed them, the farmer butchered the pig. But, alas, the farmer’s wife did not get well. She died. So many people came for her funeral that the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide enough meat for all of them for the funeral luncheon. And the mouse looked upon it all, from his crack in the wall, with great sadness. So, the next time you hear someone is facing a problem, and you think it doesn’t concern you, remember . . .
When one of us is threatened, we are all at risk. We are all involved in this journey called life. We must keep an eye out for one another and make an extra effort to encourage one another.
How bad a mistake can you make on your resume? Here are some real-life examples:
~ “I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one.” ~ “References: None, I’ve left a path of destruction behind me.” ~ “Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer.”
~ “Don’t take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers.” ~ “My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.” ~ “I procrastinate–especially when the task is unpleasant.” ~ “I am loyal to my employer at all costs…Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voicemail.” ~ “Qualifications: No education or experience.” ~ “Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets.” ~ “Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department.” ~ “Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!” ~ Cover letter: “Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!”