Jokes February 2015

Snowman Evolution


Amazing Simple Home Remedies


These really work…I checked this out on Snopes and it’s for real!


  1. If you’re choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.
  2. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables.
  3. Avoid arguments with females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
  4. For high blood pressure sufferers, simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.
  5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
  6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you’ll be too afraid to cough.
  7. You only need two tools in life – WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn’t move and does, use the duct tape.
  8. If you can’t fix it with a hammer, you’ve got an electrical problem.



I think your kids are like angels! (Of course, the Devil is an angel too.)



The truth shall make you free…and laugh!


A child’s greatest period of growth is the month after you’ve purchased new school clothes. ~ A friend is someone who reaches for your hand, but touches your heart. ~ A key ring is a handy little gadget that allows you to lose all your keys at once. ~ A photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage. The photon replies, “No, I’m traveling light.” ~ As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. ~ Church is not a shrine of saints, but rather a hospital for sinners. ~ Did you hear the one about the Liberty Bell?  Yeah, it cracked me up! ~ Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things. ~ Every silver lining has a cloud. ~ Faith is the certainty that God’s will is being carried out, even when it doesn’t look like it. ~ Football is not a contact sport; it is a collision sport. Dancing is a contact sport. ~ From my 8-year-old after our 5th week in a sermon study of Genesis: “When we get to Revelation, how old will I be?” ~ Good manners sometimes means simply putting up with other people’s bad manners. ~ Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old; what does is the realization that he’s married to a grandmother. ~ He’s so dense, light bends around him. ~ How come one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? ~ I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific. ~ I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot. ~ I must admit I do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many. ~ If a church wants a better pastor, it can get one by praying for the one it has. ~ If he ever said what’s on his mind. he’d be speechless. ~ If I can say the word “sooth” does that make me a soothsayer? ~ If voting could really change things, Congress would make it illegal. ~ If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t be able to sit down for a month.




15 Exercises We’d Be Better Off Without In 2015…


~ Jumping on the bandwagon ~ Wading through paperwork ~ Running around in circles ~ Pushing your luck ~ Spinning your wheels ~ Adding fuel to the fire ~ Beating your head against the wall ~ Climbing the walls ~ Beating your own drum ~ Dragging your heels ~ Jumping to conclusions      ~ Grasping at straws

~ Fishing for compliments ~ Throwing your weight around ~ Passing the buck If you aim at nothing, you’ll hit it every time.




Ode To Spell Checkers


I have a spelling checker

I disk covered four my PC.

It plane lee marks four my revue

Miss steaks aye can knot see.


Eye ran this poem threw it.

Your sure real glad two no.

Its very polished in its weigh,

My checker tolled me sew.


A checker is a blessing.

It freeze yew lodes of thyme.

It helps me right awl stiles two reed,

And aides me when aye rime.


Each frays comes posed up on my screen

Eye trussed too bee a joule.

The checker pours o’er every word

To cheque sum spelling rule.


Bee fore wee rote with checkers

Hour spelling was inn deck line,

Butt now when wee dew have a laps,

Wee are not maid too wine.


And now bee cause my spelling

Is checked with such grate flare,

There are know faults in awl this peace, Of nun eye am a wear.


To rite with care is quite a feet

Of witch won should be proud,

And wee mussed dew the best wee can,

Sew flaws are knot aloud.


That’s why eye brake in two averse

Cuz Eye dew want too please.

Sow glad eye yam that aye did bye

This soft wear four pea seas.



Warning: Dates on calendar are closer than they appear.

Get Rich Quick Scheme # 316

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his fortune. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932, the depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent a few minutes polishing the apple and sold the apple for ten cents. The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent a few minutes polishing them and sold them for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month and by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $6.40. Then my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars.”




What do you need to start a new bakery business? A lot of dough.


10 Reasons Not to Read Email


Thanks to each one of you for your educational emails last year. I am totally messed up now and have little chance of recovery. 10. I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel. 9. I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one’s nose. 8. Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years. I can’t touch any woman’s handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet. 7. I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing. 6. Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. 5. I can’t eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers. 4. I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. 3. Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seventeen of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. 2. Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. 1. I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer doesn’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.



Leave a Reply