Jokes for August 2015

Raise them up…

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out, in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, “Mommy, why are some of your hairs white?” Her mother replied, “Well, every time you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.”  The little girl was silent for a while, and then said, “Poor Grandma. You must have been very, very hard to raise.”


Caught in the Act

A minister told his congregation, “Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17.”  The following Sunday, the minister asked for a show of hands from those who read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, “Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.”


Chicken a la…

“May I take your order?” the waiter asked. “Yes, how do you prepare your chickens?” “Nothing special, sir,” he replied. “We just tell them straight out that they’re going to die.”


Ten things I know about you


1 You are reading this

2 You are human

3 You can’t say the letter ‘P’ without separating your lips

4 You just attempted to do it

6 You are laughing at yourself

7 You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5

8 You just checked to see if there is a No. 5

9 You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person and everyone does it too

10 You are probably going to share this just to see who else falls for it.




A computer was something on TV

From a science-fiction show of note

A window was something you hated to clean

And ram was the cousin of a goat.


Meg was the name of my girlfriend

And gig was a job for the nights

Now they all mean different things

And that really mega bytes.


An application was for employment

A program was a TV show

A cursor used profanity

A keyboard was a piano.


Log on was adding wood to the fire

Hard drive was a long trip on the road

A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

and backup happened to your commode.


Cut you did with a pocket knife

And paste you did with glue

A web was a spider’s home

And a virus was a flu.


I guess I’ll stick to my pad and paper

And the memory in my head

I hear nobody’s been killed in a computer crash

But when it happens they wish they were dead.



A physician once said: “The best medicine for humans is love.”Someone asked, “What if it doesn’t work?” He smiled and said: “Increase the dose.”



Oh, A Victim of Soycumstance


A lady went into the grocery and asked for fifty gallons of milk. The clerk, amazed, asked her what she was going to do with that much milk. “I have a skin problem and the doctor prescribed a milk bath.”  The clerk asked, “Pasteurized?”  She replied, “No just up to my chin.”


Imaginary Thorn in the Side


Hypochondriac: “I have a terrible pain in my left side. I think it’s appendicitis!” Doctor: “No, that can’t be. The appendix is on the right side.”  Hypochondriac: “So THAT’S why it hurts so much! My appendix is on the wrong side!”



A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and rushed right over.


“Hey Willis!!” the farmer yelled. “Forget it for now. It’s dinnertime. Come eat with us, and then we’ll come back and I will help you turn the wagon back up.”


In Over His Head


“That’s mighty nice of you, “Willis answered, “but I don’t think Pa would like me to.” “Aw, come on,” the farmer insisted, “you have to eat! We’ll get back to the wagon soon.” “Well okay,” the boy finally agreed, and added, “But Pa won’t like it.” After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. “I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset.”  “Don’t be foolish.” the neighbor said with a smile. “By the way, where is your Pa?”  “Under the wagon.”



I was on an elevator the other day, and the operator kept calling me “son.”  I said, “Why do you keep calling me ‘son’? You’re not my father.”  He said, “I brought you up, didn’t I?”




~ Say something positive as early in the day as possible. ~ Believe in miracles, but don’t depend on them.

~ Seek respect rather popularity; quality rather than luxury. ~ If your mom says “you’ll regret it” you probably will. ~ Be happy with what you have while working on what you want. ~ Celebrate even small victories. ~ When in doubt, smile. ~ Spend time with people who are little bit better than you. ~ Don’t write something you don’t want others to read. ~ Become the world’s most thoughtful friend. ~ Anything worth doing is going to take longer that you think. ~ Accept triumph and defeat with equal grace. ~ It’s not your job to get people to like you; it’s your job to like people. ~ Stand up for your principles, even if you have to stand alone. ~ If you know you are going to lose, do it with style. Read something no one else is reading;

Think something no one else is thinking; And do something no one else is doing. Work diligently.

Give generously. Pray faithfully. Love deeply.  It takes a long time to become the person you want to be.


More Proverbial Musings


~ There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.  ~ There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.  ~ There is an old proverb that says just about anything you want it to. ~ There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.  ~ There’s an exception to every rule, except this one. ~ There’s no limit to what you can achieve if you don’t mind who gets the credit. ~ There’s something wrong if you’re always right. ~ They have a Dial-a-Prayer for atheists now. You can call up and it rings and rings but nobody answers. ~ Things are more like they are today than they ever have been before. ~ This is as bad as it can get, but don’t count on it.  ~ This year I’m using big words to sound smart…Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence.  ~ Those who can’t write, write help files.  ~ Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.  ~ Those with the best advice usually offer no advice. ~ Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students.  ~ Time is what keeps everything from happening at once. ~ Times are tough. The National Levitation Society went out of business because they couldn’t raise money. ~ To a worm, digging in the hard ground is more relaxing than going fishing.

~ To be or not to be, those are the parameters.  ~ To be sure of always hitting the target: Shoot first and, whatever you hit, call it the target.  ~ To every Ph.D there is an equal and opposite Ph.D. ~ Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long. ~ Two wrongs don’t make a right, but three lefts do. ~ Under Democrats, man exploits man. Under Republicans, it’s just the reverse.  ~ Unfortunately, I do most of my best proofreading after I hit Send! ~ Verb is a noun. ~ Warning: Dates on calendar are closer than they appear. ~ Wasting time is an important part of life.

~ We child proofed our home – but they’re still getting in.





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