Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
On Sunday a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money. He asked the people to consider donating a little more than usual into the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in the offering.
He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he’d like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly looking lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front.
Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanks asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, “I’ll take him and him and him.”
Q: How many successful parachute jumps must a paratrooper make before he graduates?
A: All of them.
TOP 9 SIGNS YOU’RE AT A BAD BAPTISM SERVICE
9. The Coast Guard is involved.
8. The service is held at Splash Mountain Water Parks.
7. Pastor wears scuba gear.
6. As the baptism begins, the organist plays the theme from “Jaws.”
5. The preacher uses a “Billy the Bass” singing “Take Me to the River” instead of the traditional “Shall We Gather at the River?”
4. You keep hearing the pastor saying, “Oops! Honestly, sister; I didn’t know about that drop-off!”
3. The deacon board shows up with fishing gear.
2. Just as the choir starts to sing, an alligator wrestler jumps out of the water and wrestles the preacher into submission.
1. Two words: Alka Seltzer
The Good Samaritan Revisited
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, “If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?” A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, “I think I’d throw up.”
The Outhouse and the Cherry Tree
Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer, cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek.
One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.
That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why. The dad replied, “Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn’t it, son?” The boy answered yes.
Then he thought a moment and said, “Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn’t get into trouble because he told the truth.” The dad replied, “Well, son, George Washington’s father wasn’t in that cherry tree.”
Wisdom from on High
We have to believe in free will. We have no choice.
Friends are Gods way of apologizing for your relatives.
Love your enemies. It’ll drive them nuts.
Ever notice how the people who tell you to settle down are the ones who got you mad in the first place?
One reason it’s so hard to save money is that our neighbors are always buying something we can’t afford.
A man can fail many times, but he isn’t a failure until he begins to blame somebody else.
Calories (noun): Tiny creatures that live inside your closet and sew your clothes a little bit tighter every night.
One half of the world doesn’t understand the other half, and it doesn’t matter which half you’re in.
A Women Scorned
Jennifer’s wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement – not even her parent’s nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father’s new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother. Jennifer asked her father’s new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. “Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I’m wearing it,” she replied.
Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, “Never mind, sweetheart. I’ll get another dress. After all, it’s your special day.”
A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, “Aren’t you going to return the other dress? You really don’t have another occasion where you could wear it.”
Her mother just smiled and replied, “Of course I do, dear…I’m wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night BEFORE the wedding.
A Man of Few Words
The department manager is a wise, friendly old man, and one day, during an interview in his office he was asked, “Sir, what is the secret of your success?” He said, “Two words.” “And, sir, what are they?”
“Right decisions.” “But how do you make right decisions?” “One word.” He responded. “And, sir, what is that?” “Experience.” “And how do you get experience?” “Two words.” “And, sir, what are they?”
MY APPETITE IS MY SHEPHERD (POUND 23)
My appetite is my shepherd; I always want.
It maketh me sit down and stuff myself.
It leadeth me to my refrigerator repeatedly.
It leadeth me in the path of Burger King for a Whopper.
It destroyeth my shape.
Yea, though I knoweth I gaineth, I will not stop eating
For the food tasteth so good.
The ice cream and the cookies, they comfort me.
When the table is spread before me, it exciteth me
For I knoweth that I sooneth shall dig in.
As I filleth my plate continuously,
My clothes runneth smaller.
Surely bulges and pudgies shall follow me all the days of my life
And I shall be “pleasingly plump” forever.
A man fell into a pit and couldn’t get himself out… A subjective person came along and said, “I feel for you down there.” An objective person walked by and said, “It’s logical that someone would fall down there.” A Pharisee said, “Only bad people fall into pits.” A mathematician calculated how deep the pit was. A news reporter wanted the exclusive story on the pit. An IRS agent asked if he was paying taxes on the pit. A self-pitying person said, “You haven’t seen anything until you’ve seen my pit.” A fire-and-brimstone preacher said, “You deserve your pit.” A Christian Scientist observed, “The pit is just in your mind.” A psychologist noted, “Your mother and father are to blame for your being in that pit.” A self-esteem therapist said, “Believe in yourself and you can get out of that pit.” An optimist said, “Things could be worse.” A pessimist claimed, “Things will get worse.” Jesus, seeing the man, took him by the hand and lifted him out of the pit.
Crossing the Street
There’s a man trying to cross the street. As he steps off the curb a car
comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him. The man walks
faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changes lanes and is
still coming at him.
So the guy turns around to go back, but the car changes lanes again and is
still coming at him. By now, the car is so close and the man so scared that
he just freezes and stops in the middle of the road. The car gets real
close, then swerves at the last possible moment and screeches to a halt
right next him.
The driver rolls down the window. The driver is a squirrel. The squirrel
says to the man, “See, it’s not as easy as it looks, is it?”