Jokes for March 2015




A rumor without a leg to stand on will manage to get around some other way.





  1. Manners
  2. Morals
  3. Respect
  4. Character
  5. Common Sense
  6. Trust
  7. Patience
  8. Class
  9. Integrity
  10. Love




A devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later a cow walked up carrying the Bible in its mouth!  The cowboy couldn’t believe his eyes.  He took the book out of the cow’s mouth, raised his eyes heavenward, and exclaimed, “It’s a miracle!” “Not really,” said the cow. “Your name was written inside the cover.”


Life Insurance


Mary was discussing the various aspects and possible outcome of an insurance policy with the clerk at the insurance agency. During the discussion, she asked, “Suppose I take the life insurance for my husband today for a million dollars, and tomorrow he dies? What will I get?” The clerk eyed her suspiciously and replied, “Probably a life sentence.”



A Failure to Communicate


A judge was interviewing a man regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”  He replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”  “No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”  “It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,” he responded.  “I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?”  “I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my wife’s parents.”  He said, “Do you have a real grudge?” “No,” he replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.”  “Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?” “Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.” Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Sir, why do you want a divorce?” “Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” he replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My wife does. She claims she’s having difficulty communicating with me!”


King vs Queen of the Jungle


A game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One morning, while deep in the forest, the wife awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. The hunter picked up his rifle and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a big rock, a large lion stood right in front of her. The wife cried, “What are we going to do?”  “Nothing,” said the hunter husband. “How can you just do nothing?” the wife screamed at him. “The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it.”



After all is said and done, a lot more is said than done.



The Rat and the Politician


A tourist browsing a curio shop in San Francisco saw a very lifelike, life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but was so striking he decided he must have it. He asked the shop owner: “How much for the bronze rat?”  The reply: “Twenty dollars for the rat, two hundred dollars for the story.” The tourist gave the man twenty dollars and said, “I’ll take the rat, you can keep the story.”


As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, he noticed a few real rats crawling out of the alleys and sewers and following him down the street. This was disconcerting; he began walking faster. But within a couple blocks, the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they started squealing.


He began to trot toward the Bay. Glancing backward, he saw that the rats now numbered in the thousands, and were squealing and snarling and coming toward him faster and faster!


Terrified, he sprinted to the edge of the Bay and hurled the bronze rat far out into the water. Amazingly, the millions of rats rushed past him and jumped into the Bay after it, and all were drowned!


The man ran back to the curio shop. “Aha,” said the shop owner, “You have come back for the story!” “No,” said the man, “I came back to see if you have a bronze politician?”





  1. There’s a case of bottled water beside the pulpit in a cooler. 9. The pews have camper hookups.
  2. You overhear the pastor telling the sound man to have a few (dozen!) extra CDs on hand to record today’s sermon. 7. The preacher has brought a snack to the pulpit. 6.  The preacher breaks for an intermission.  5.  The bulletins have pizza delivery menus.  4.  When the preacher asks the deacon to bring in his notes, he rolls in a filing cabinet. 3.  The choir loft is furnished with La-Z-Boys. 2.  Instead of taking off his watch and laying it on the pulpit, the preacher turns up a four-foot hour-glass. And The Number One Sign You Are In For A Long Sermon…1. The minister says, “You’ll be out in time to watch the Super Bowl” but it’s only September!



I misplaced my dictionary. Now I’m at a loss for words.



8 More Reasons Not to Read Email


  1. I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer. 7. And thanks for letting me know I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life. 6. I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down. 5. I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. 4. And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan. 3. Thanks to you I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my rear. 2. I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off. 1. If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s best friend’s beautician!



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