Jokes June 2020

Coronavirus Playlist

By Bob Grinsell

Nothing helps relieve stress like listening to some relaxing music. To help take your mind off the current situation we offer this helpful playlist. Listen and enjoy!


~ Don’t Stand so Close to Me, The Police ~ Stayin’ Alive, Bee Gees ~ Take My Breath Away, Berlin ~ Somebody that I Used to Know, Gotye & Kimba ~ So Far Away From Me, Dire Straits ~ Toxic, Britney Spears ~ The Air that I Breathe, The Hollies ~ Alone Again (Naturally), Gilbert O’Sullivan ~ Every Breath You Take, The Police ~ Fever, Peggy Lee ~ End of the World as We Know It, REM ~ Can’t Feel My Face, The Weekend ~ In the Air Tonight, Phil Collins ~ Gimme Shelter, Rolling Stones ~ Dancing with Myself, Billy Idol ~ Too Much Time on My Hands, Styx
~ Keep Your Hands to Yourself, Georgia Satellites ~ The Cure, Lady Gaga ~ I Will Survive, Gloria Gaynor ~ All By Myself, Eric Carmen ~ Can’t Touch This, MC Hammer ~ In My Room, Beach Boys ~ Go Your Own Way, Fleetwood Mac


Worship Planning

Coronavirus Pandemic Edition

Rejected songs:
~ We Gather Together ~ Just a Closer Walk With Thee ~ Breathe on me, Breath of God ~ Precious Lord, Take My Hand ~ Close to Thee
Accepted Songs: ~ Wash, O God, Our Sons & Daughters ~ Jesus Walked This Lonesome Valley ~ I Come To The Garden Alone ~ Trust And Obey


Our Pets during quarantine

Dogs: 1. Please don’t walk me again. Watch Netflix. Read a book. But leave me alone. 2. This quarantine has me realizing why my dog gets so excited about something moving outside. I think I just barked at a squirrel. 3.Quarantine has turned us into dogs. We roam the house all day looking for food. We are told no if we get too close to strangers. And we get really excited about car rides. 4. Day 65 of quarantine and the dog is looking at me like, “See? This, is why I chew the furniture.”

Cats: 1. Get a human, they said. Hardly ever home, they said. 2. Why are the annoying servants staying in my home all day every day now?? 3. The human has been working from home the last few weeks. Every so often he lets me participate in his online meetings. All the other humans cheer when they see me. I am the only thing keeping their company together. 4. Stay home. Practice social distancing. Clean yourself often. OH NO! We’re becoming cats!


The Arrogant DEA Officer


A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday and said, “I need to inspect your farm for illegally growing drugs.”
I said, “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.” The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!” Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face. “See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish – on ANY land! No questions asked or answers given! Have I made myself clear?” I nodded politely, apologized, and went about my chores. A short time later, I heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by my big old mean bull in the field. With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer. The officer was clearly terrified.” I threw down my tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of my lungs, “Your badge, show him your BADGE!!”


The Painting

A thief almost got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre! He managed to smuggle the artwork past security but was captured only two blocks away when his minivan ran out of gas. When a reporter asked how he could mastermind such a crime and yet make such an obvious error, he replied: “Monsieur, I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.” (Bet you thought I lacked de Gaulle to tell a story like that!)


Cleaning Help

Employee: “Boss, we’re doing some heavy spring cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.” Boss: “We’re short-handed already! I can’t give you the day off.”
Employee: “Thanks, boss, I knew I could count on you!”


Thoughts for A Coronavirus Day


I just finished my 6-month trial of 2020. How do I cancel?  States have banned all groups larger than 5. If you’re a family of 6, you’re about to find out who’s the least favorite. ~ Congratulations! You survived April & May 2020. Welcome to Level 6 of Jumanji. ~ Watched the birds fight over a worm. The Cardinals lead the Blue Jays 3 to 1.

~ I’m as bored as an Amish electrician. ~ The wife and I are both quarantined at home. If I die, I assure you it was not the virus that killed me. ~ What are murder hornets? And how much toilet paper do I need to buy? ~ Waiting on my murder hornet stimulus check. ~ If you get an email with the subject “Knock-Knock,” don’t open it. It’s a Jehovah Witness working from home. ~ Today’s weather?  Room temperature. ~ You know the world is upside down when you go to the bank and someone wearing a mask and gloves isn’t tackled by security. ~ While social distancing, my wife and I went for a walk and scored a couple packages of toilet paper. Moral of the story? Don’t leave your garage doors open. ~ I just opened my fridge and I swear it said, what do you want NOW?? ~ Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun. ~ Do not call the police on suspicious people in your neighborhood! Those are your neighbors without makeup and hair extensions! ~ Ran out of toilet paper and now using lettuce leaves. Today was just the tip of the iceberg, tomorrow romaine’s to be seen.

~ Some people aren’t shaking hands because of Coronavirus. I’m not shaking hands because everyone is out of toilet paper.




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