Jokes May 2016

                                     Anything else



One Life


Life is an opportunity, benefit from it.

Life is beauty, admire it.

Life is bliss, taste it.

Life is a dream, realize it.

Life is a challenge, meet it.

Life is a duty, complete it.

Life is a game, play it.

Life is a promise, fulfill it.

Life is sorrow, overcome it.

Life is a song, sing it.

Life is a struggle, accept it.

Life is a tragedy, confront it.

Life is an adventure, dare it.

Life is luck, make it.

Life is too precious, do not destroy it.

Life is life, fight for it.


Advanced Driving Test

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.  On your left hand side there is a valley and on your right hand side there is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you. In front of you there is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.  Behind you there is a helicopter flying at ground level.  Both the giant pig and the helicopter are travelling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?  Get off the merry-go-round – you’re drunk!



How To Keep The Office Interesting


~ Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you’re waiting for your document. ~ Arrive at a meeting late, say you’re sorry, but you didn’t have time for lunch, and you’re going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting eat 5 raw potatoes. ~ Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them to sign a waiver. ~ Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that. ~ Page yourself over the intercom. (Don’t disguise your voice.) ~ Name all your pens and insist that meetings can’t begin until they’re all present. ~ Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. “That’s a good point, Sparky”…”No, I’m sorry I’m going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi.” ~ Include a piece of your children’s artwork as a cover page for all reports that you write. (If you don’t have children, draw stick figures yourself.) ~ Agree to organize the company Christmas party. Hold it at McDonald’s Playland. Charge everyone $25 each. ~ Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you’re doing. For example “If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the bathroom.” ~ Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it “IN.” ~ Organize a carpool. Go to pick everyone up in a taxi. ~ Hang mistletoe over your desk. ~ Include a personal note on every email you send: “On a personal note, I’m feeling a bit tired and grumpy today.”…”On a personal note, I’m pleased to announce that I got my highest score ever on Farmville last night.” ~ Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle. ~ Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try to pass them off as your children. ~ Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.



The Thief and the Parrot

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty.  He stealthily crept through the lounge and was stopped dead in his tracks when he heard a loud voice clearly saying, ‘Jesus is watching you!’ Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. ‘Jesus is watching you’, the voice rang out again. The thief stopped dead again. He was frightened out of his wits. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a birdcage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot, ‘Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?’ ‘Yes’, said the parrot. The burglar breathed a heavy sigh of relief and asked the parrot: ‘What’s your name?’ ‘Ronald’, said the bird. ‘That’s a stupid name for a parrot, ‘sneered the burglar.’ What idiot named you Ronald?’ The parrot said, ‘The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus.’


From the mouths of babes


A grandfather walking past his young granddaughter’s room one night saw her kneeling beside her bed, with head bowed and hands folded, repeating the alphabet. “What are you doing?” he asked her. She explained, “I’m saying my prayers, but I couldn’t think just what to pray for. So I’m just saying all the letters of the alphabet, and God can put them together however he thinks best.”




Dear Grandson:


I have become a little older since I saw you last, and a few changes have come into my life since then. Frankly, I have become a frivolous old gal. I am seeing five gentlemen every day. As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed. Then I go to see John. Then Charlie Horse comes along, and when he is here he takes a lot of my time and attention. When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn’t like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint. After such a busy day, I’m really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay. What a life.





P.S. The preacher came to call the other day. He said at my age I should be thinking of the hereafter. I told him, “Oh, I do it all the time. No matter where I am, in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement, I ask myself, “Now, what am I here after?”

Thoughts for the day


Coffee! If you’re not shaking, you need another cup! ~ Coffee: Starter fluid for the morning impaired. ~ Coffee! You can sleep when you’re dead. ~ Ewwww! YUCK! I have Monday on me! Get it off! Get it off! ~ Funny, but I can’t name a business that’s like show business. ~ Here’s a sure-fire way to cross off every item on your To-Do list: Do the chores first, then write them down & cross them off! ~ Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were. ~ How come, no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always

white? ~ How to parallel park: 1) Park somewhere else. ~ I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day. ~ I can’t wait until I’m old enough to pretend I can’t hear. ~ I don’t have a problem with caffeine. I have a problem without it. ~ I haven’t slept for three days, because that would be too long. ~ I know. I know. People say, “It’s the thought that counts, not the gift,” but couldn’t people think a bit bigger?! ~ I really didn’t mean to push all your buttons. I was just looking for mute. ~ I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner – all it was doing was gathering dust. ~ I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there. ~ I saw a sign that said “Watch for children” and I thought, ‘That sounds like a fair trade.’ ~ I think senility is going to be a fairly smooth transition for me. ~ I totally agree with me. ~ I’m absolutely convinced the socks that go missing from the dryer turn into extra Tupperware lids. ~ I’m getting kind of tired always slowly raising my hand when someone asks, “Who does something like that?!?” ~ I’m living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart. ~ I’m not old. I woke up, I lifted my arms, I moved my knees, I turned my neck. Everything made the same noise: Crrrrrraaaaaaccccckkkk! So I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m not old, I’m crispy! ~ I’M UP! If you’re expecting bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, go catch a


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