It Takes a Thief
When John returned to the house one evening, his wife announced that the new cleaning woman they had hired had stolen two towels. “Yeah,” said Dewey very disinterested, and reclining on the sofa, “that wasn’t very nice of her to do.” “You’re absolutely right it wasn’t,” she said. “And they were the two best towels we had …. you know the ones we got from the Hilton Hotel?!”
Renewing of Vows
John and Nancy, married for 40 years, planned a second wedding to renew their vows. Nancy described to her friend the dress she would wear. Nancy’s friend asked, “What color shoes?” Nancy replied, “Silver.” John chimed in: “Yep, silver … to match her hair.” With a pointed look at John’s bald spot, Nancy’s friend said: “So, John, I guess you’ll go barefoot.”
A visit to the Dentist
Did you hear about the yoga guru who had a terrible toothache? He wouldn’t let the dentist give him any painkillers.
He wanted to transcend dental medication.
The Future Son In Law
The prospective father-in-law asked, “Young man, can you support a family?” The surprised groom-to-be replied, “Well, no, I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you are going to have to fend for yourselves.”
Nursery
Sign on the door of a church nursery quotes Paul in 1 Corinthians 15:51: “Listen, I tell you a mystery: We will not all sleep, but we will all be changed.”
Special Bowl
While eating at an outdoor cafe in the historic district, an art connoisseur noticed a mangy little kitten lapping up milk from a saucer. The saucer, he realized with a start, was a rare and precious piece. After finishing his meal, we went up to the owner and offered him two dollars for the cat. “It’s not for sale,” said the owner. “Now, now” said the collector, “that cat is just ugly and no one would want it, but I’m eccentric. I like to help out underprivileged animals. I’ll raise my offer to five dollars.” “It’s a deal,” said the proprietor with a smile, and pocketed the five on the spot. “For that amount I’m sure you won’t mind throwing in the saucer,” said the connoisseur. “The little kitten seems so content drinking from it.” “No way,” said the owner. “That’s my lucky saucer. I’ve already sold 26 cats so far this week drinking from it!”
Beauty is Fleeting
A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked, “Is my time up?” God said, “No, not yet, you have another 43 years, 2 hours and 8 days to live.” Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well look even nicer.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit and killed by an ambulance. Arriving in the presence of God, she demanded, “I thought you said I had another 40 plus years? Why didn’t you pull me out of the path of the ambulance?” God replied, “My child, I am sorry, but I didn’t recognize you!”
Oh’ To be a Bear
If you’re a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that. Before you hibernate, you’re supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too. If you’re a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you’re sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that. If you’re a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them, too. I could deal with that. If you’re a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat. Yup, now you see my point of why I want to be a bear.
10 year difference
Unfortunately, getting a new passport required a new photo. As I handed my ten-year-old passport and the new picture to the clerk, I sighed. “I like the original better,” I told her. “Trust me,” she said. “Ten years from now, you’ll like this one.”
Gotcha
This was developed as an intelligence test by a research and development department at Harvard University. Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over 40 years of age can’t do it!
- This is this cat
- This is is cat
- This is how cat
- This is to cat
- This is keep cat
- This is an cat
- This is old cat
- This is person cat
- This is busy cat
- This is for cat
- This is forty cat
- This is seconds cat
Now go back and read aloud the THIRD word in each line from the top down to determine your intelligence.
Delivery Mishaps
A new business was opening and one of the owner’s friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card. It said, “Rest in Peace.” The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said, “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, ‘Congratulations on your new location.'”
Thoughts About Cats
~ Behind every cat that crosses the street, there is a dog saying, “Go ahead, you can make it.” ~ In a cat’s eye, all things belong to cats. ~ As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat. ~ There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats. ~ Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God. ~ Cats aren’t clean, they’re just covered with cat spit. ~ There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast. ~ The only domestic animal not mentioned in the Bible is the cat. (Hmmmm)
Thoughts For the Day
Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes. ~ Don’t worry about the world ending today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia. ~ God’s retirement plan is out of this world. ~ God gives and forgives. Man gets and forgets. ~ A Life? Cool! Where can I download one of those from? ~ You have a seatbelt; has it hugged you today? ~ Why is there an expiration date on sour cream? Does old sour cream go good? ~ Sign on a door: Push. If that doesn’t work. Pull. If that doesn’t work, we’re closed.
Thanksgiving Quiz
By BibleQuizzes.org.uk
1: What happened to Daniel after he gave thanks to God by his open window?
He was thrown in the fiery furnace ~ He was thrown into the lions’ den ~ He was beheaded ~ He was put in
a muddy dungeon
2: What occasion did David write Psalm 105 for?
Defeating the Philistines ~ Killing Goliath, Receiving forgiveness for his adultery~ Bringing the ark back to Jerusalem
3: What instruments were used to praise God when the temple foundation was rebuilt?
Many stringed instruments ~ Sackbut and psaltery ~ Trumpets and cymbals ~ Harp and lyre
4: At the Last Supper what items of food and drink did Jesus give thanks for?
Honey and milk ~ Fishes and water ~ Bread and wine ~ Locusts and nectar
5: During what traumatic event did the apostle Paul take bread and give thanks?
Sea voyage ~ Earthquake ~ Fire ~ House falling down
6: Who did Jesus raise from the dead by a prayer of thanks to God?
Moses ~ The widow of Nain’s son ~ Malchus ~ Lazarus
7: Why do the four and twenty elders in Revelation give thanks to God?
God has destroyed that old serpent ~ the devil ~ God has taken his power and commenced his reign ~ God has shown the Lamb of God to the world ~ God opened the seventh seal
8: In the parable of the Pharisee and the Publican, what did the Pharisee thank God for?
That he was not sinful like other men ~ For all his material possessions ~ That he was able to keep God’s law daily ~ For his family and friends
9: Where was Jonah when he prayed to God with the voice of thanksgiving?
Nineveh ~ On board a ship heading for Tarshish ~ Tarshish ~ In the fish’s belly
10: Who gave thanks to the Lord when they saw the baby Jesus?
Herod ~ Anna the Prophetess ~ The shepherds ~ Simeon
11: How did Paul say we should let our requests be made know to God?
With hearts full of thankfulness ~ By thanking God for all our blessings first ~ By prayer and supplication with thanksgiving ~ By praise, worship and thanksgiving
12: Out of the ten lepers Jesus healed, what nationality was the one who returned to thank him?
Jew ~ Samaritan ~ Roman ~ Assyrian
13: What human qualities does Paul list as being signs of the last days?
Kindness, meekness, thankfulness, gentleness ~ Those who choose the narrow path of thankless evil ~ Covetous, boasters, proud, unthankful people ~ Lovingkindness and thankfulness to all nations
14: In the Sermon on the Mount to who does Jesus say God is kind?
The unthankful and the evil ~ The lowly, meek and thankful ~ The ungrateful and the lascivious ~ Those who thank him for their blessings
15: Who does Paul thank God for because their faith and love grew exceedingly?
The Corinthians, The Galatians, The Ephesians, The Thessalonians
16: Paul thanks God that he did not baptise any of the Corinthians, except for which people?
Peter, James and John ~ Crispus, Gaius and the household of Stephanus ~ Timothy, Eunice and Lois ~ Luke, John Mark and the household of Aquila
17: Who thanked King David for allowing his son Absalom to return to Jerusalem?
Absalom himself ~ Abishai ~ Joab ~ The wise woman of Tekoah
18: On Paul’s journey to Rome, at what location did he meet brethren whom he thanked God for?
Malta ~ Appii forum ~ Rome ~ Syracuse
19: What did God specifically command concerning the thanksgiving offering that the Israelites made?
They must eat it on the day it is offered. ~ It must consist of two turtledoves or pigeons ~ The animal must be without defect ~ No yeast must come into contact with the offering
20: Complete this common phrase of thanksgiving found in the Bible: “O give thanks unto the Lord; for he is good: for his _____ endureth for ever.”
Ways ~ Mercy ~ Kindness ~ Blessings
Answers:
- He was thrown into the lions’ den – Dan 6:10,16 2. Bringing the ark back to Jerusalem – 1 Chr 16:1,7-8; Psalm 105:1 3. Trumpets and cymbals -Ezra 3:10 4. Bread and wine Luke 22:17-19 5. Sea voyage – Acts 27:34-35 6. Lazarus – John 11:41-43 7. God has taken his power and commenced his reign – Rev 11:16-17 8. That he was not sinful like other men – Luke 18:11 9. In the fish’s belly – Jonah 2:1,9 10. Anna the Prophetess – Luke 2:36-38 11. By prayer and supplication with thanksgiving – Phil 4:6 12. Samaritan- Luke 17:15-16 13. Covetous, boasters, proud, unthankful people – 2 Tim 3:2 14. The unthankful and the evil – Luke 6:35 15. Who does Paul thank God for because their faith and love grew exceedingly?
The Thessalonians – 2 Thess 1:3 16. Crispus, Gaius and the household of Stephanus – 1 Cor 1:14-16 17. Joab – 2 Sam 14:22 18. Appii forum – Acts 28:15 19. They must eat it on the day it is offered. – Lev 7:15 20. Mercy – 1 Chr 16:34; 2 Chr 5:13; 2 Chr 7:3; Ezra 3:11; Psalm 106:1; Psalm 107:1; Psalm 118:1; Psalm 118:29; Psalm 136:1; Jer 33:11
