Jokes October 2017


Patience is a Virtue

“WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?! the irate customer yelled after calling the newspaper office. “Madam,” said the newspaper employee, “today is Saturday.  The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY.” There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter, “Well, that explains why no one was at church either.”


A doctor calls his patient and says, “The check you gave me for my bill came back.”

The patient replied, “So did my arthritis!”



Searching for the Goal

A football practice was delayed on Monday for nearly two hours. One of the players, while on his way to the locker room, happened to look down and notice a suspicious-looking, unknown white powdery substance on the practice field. Practice was immediately suspended while the Drug Enforcement Agency was called in to investigate. After a complete field analysis, the DEA determined that the white substance unknown to the players was the goal line. Practice was resumed when the DEA agents decided that the team would not be likely to encounter the substance again.


God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble

John grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to his hometown because he could be a big man there. He really wanted to impress everyone. So he returned and opened his new law office. The first day he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man came to the door, John picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, while talking: “No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won’t settle this case for less than one million. Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I’ll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay. Tell the State Prosecutor that I’ll meet with him next week to discuss the details.” This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as John rattled instructions. Finally, John put down the phone and turned to the man, “I’m sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I’m very busy. What can I do for you?” The man replied, “I was sent by the telephone company to connect your phone line.”



Ungratefully Counting the Blessings

“Is there anything wrong?” asked bartender of the young, well-dressed customer who sat staring grimly into his drink. “Two months ago my grandfather died and left me $100,000” said the man. “That doesn’t sound like anything to be upset about,” said the bartender. “It should happen to me.” “Yeah,” said the sour young man, “but last month an uncle on my father’s side passed away. He left me $95,000.” “So why are you sitting here looking so unhappy?”

“This month so far not a cent.”


The wise will inherit honor, but fools jump

After enlisting in the 82nd Airborne Division, I eagerly asked my Recruiter what I could expect from jump school.

“Well,” he said, “its three weeks long.” “What else,” I asked. “The first week they separate the men from the boys,” he said. “The second week, they separate the men from the fools.” “And the third week?” I asked. “The third week, the fools jump.”


Home Repair 101

So this guy has the courage — but not always the skills — to tackle any home-repair project. For example, his garage was littered with the pieces of a lawn mower he once tried to fix. One day his wife found him in the living room, attacking the vacuum cleaner with a screwdriver. “I can’t get this thing to cooperate!” he exclaimed. His wife replied, “Why don’t you drag it out to the garage and show it the lawn mower?”


Cooking 101

Wife to husband: Did you like supper? Trying to be polite, the husband says, Yes. The wife says, I was just wondering, because when I gave some to the cats they tried to bury it.


Wisdom is with the aged

 Little Johnny opened his birthday gift from Gramma.  It was a water pistol!  He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. His mother was not so pleased.  She turned to Gramma and said, “I’m surprised at you, getting him a water pistol!   Don’t you remember how we used to drive you crazy with those?” Gramma just smiled: “Yes…I remember.”


Whoever heeds instruction is on the path to life

 One evening just as the children were getting ready for bed Tim’s mother heard him screaming at the top of his lungs. She quickly ran into his bedroom and found his two-year-old sister pulling his hair. She gently pulled his hair from the little girls grip and said comfortingly to Tim, There, there. She didn’t mean it. She doesn’t understand that hurts. She was barely out of the room when the little girl screamed. Rushing back in, she said, What happened? Tim looked at his mom and said, She knows now!


The grass withers, and the flower falls

 Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says, “Slim, I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?” Slim says, “I feel just like a newborn baby.” “Really!? Like a newborn baby!?” “Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.”


Thoughts for the Day

You are only young once, but you can be immature forever. ~ I quit my job at the helium gas factory. I didn’t like being spoken to in that voice. ~ Gardening Rule:  When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant. ~ Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on the door forever. ~ Whenever you think you would like to go back to your teenage years, think of Algebra. ~ I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. It was riveting. ~ A job is nice but it sure interferes with my life. ~ A fool and his money are soon partying. ~ 7/5th of all people do not understand fractions. ~ I am the youngest of three. Both my parents are older. ~ I love being over 70.  I learn something new every day and forget five others.


Harvest Quiz

1: Who said “The harvest truly is plenteous, but the labourers are few”?

Jesus, Paul, Peter, Boaz

2: Which major feast coincided with the wheat harvest?

Firstfruits, Pentecost, Passover, Tabernacles

3: How many Fruits of the Spirit does Paul list in Galatians?

Three, Four, Six, Nine

4: On which day of creation did God create fruit bearing trees?

Third, Fourth, Fifth, Sixth

5: Why were the Israelites told not to gather the gleanings of the harvest?

To feed the wild animals, To provide for the poor, They were unclean, To keep the land fertile

6: Who did the chief men go to visit in the Cave of Adullam during harvest time?

Elijah, Hezekiah, Hosea, David

7: What was special about the harvest in the Sabbatical year?

There wasn’t one, It produced double, It was two months early, Only one type of crop was sown and harvested

8: In the parable of the tares in the field, the harvest is the end of the world, but who are the reapers?

God and Jesus, The Levites, The angels, The Saints

9: Under the law, what was to be done with the firstfruits of the harvest?

Put into barns, Given to the Lord, Given to the poor, Left in the field

10: What sort of tree did Jesus curse for bearing no fruit?

Pomegranate, Almond, Olive, Fig

11: Which prophet saw a “basket of summer fruit” signifying the end was near for Israel?

Micah, Joel, Amos, Obadiah

12: What was Jesus talking about when he said, “they neither sow, nor reap, nor gather into barns”?

Animals of the forest, Birds of the air, Cattle of the field, Fish of the sea

13: Who during the wheat harvest found mandrakes in the field and gave them to Leah?

Judah, Simeon, Benjamin, Reuben

14: He that gathereth in summer is a wise son: but he that sleepeth in harvest is a son that causeth… what?

Tribulation, Shame, Death, Famine

15: For how many successive years did the crops fail during the time when Joseph reigned in Egypt?

Two, Seven, Ten, Twelve

16: Where was Jesus when he said “Lift up your eyes, and look on the fields: for they are white already to harvest”?

Decapolis, Jordan, Samaria, Galilee

17: As snow in summer, and as rain in harvest, so honour is not seemly for a… what?

Dishonest man, King, Fool, Evil doer

18: Who caused great fear by calling on God to send rain and thunder during the wheat harvest?

Samuel, Aaron, David, Joshua

19: At the beginning of which harvest did Naomi and Ruth go to Bethlehem?

Wheat, Grape, Barley, Rye

20: In Revelation, how many harvests of fruit does the tree of life produce each year?

One, Two, Six, Twelve




  1. Jesus – Matt 9:37
  2. Pentecost – Ex 34:22
  3. Nine – Gal 5:22-23
  4. Third – Gen 1:11-13
  5. To provide for the poor – Lev 23:22
  6. David – 2 Sam 23:13
  7. There wasn’t one Lev 25:1-7
  8. The angels – Matt 13:39
  9. Given to the Lord – Lev 23:10
  10. Fig – Matt 21:18-21
  11. Amos – Amos 8:1-2
  12. Birds of the air – Matt 6:26
  13. Reuben – Gen 30:14
  14. Shame – Proverbs 10:5
  15. Seven – Gen 41:27; Gen 45:6
  16. Samaria – John 4:35
  17. Fool – Proverbs 26:1
  18. Samuel – 1 Sam 12:17
  19. Barley – Ruth 1:22
  20. Twelve – Rev 22:2

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