Jokes September 2018 

Holy Hands cartoon

Well Prepared

Two elderly women met for the first time since graduating from high school. One asked the other, “You were always so organized in school. Did you manage to live a well-planned life?” “Yes,” said her friend. “My first marriage was to a millionaire; my second marriage was to an actor; my third marriage was to a preacher; and now I’m married to an undertaker.” Her friend asked, “What do those marriages have to do with a well-planned life?”
“One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.”


Going Back to College

Two men sank into adjacent train seats after a long day in the city. One asked the other, “Your son go back to college yet?” “Two days ago.” “Hmm. Mine’s a senior this year, so it’s almost over. In May, he’ll be an engineer. What’s your boy going to be when he gets out of college?” “At the rate he’s going, I’d say he’ll be about thirty.”
“No, I mean what’s he taking in college?” “He’s taking every penny I make.” “Doesn’t he burn the midnight oil enough?” “He doesn’t get in early enough to burn the midnight oil.” “Well, has sending him to college done anything at all?” “Sure has! It’s totally cured his mother of bragging about him!”


Weight or Wait

Whenever my aunt went to the doctor, she would complain to me about the long delay she always endured.
One day, when my aunt’s name was finally called, she was asked to step on the scale. “I need to get your weight today,” said the nurse. Without a moment’s hesitation, my aunt replied, “One hour and 45 minutes!”


You Know You’re A Bad Cook When…
You use the smoke alarm as a cooking timer. – You consider it a culinary success if the pop-tart stays in one piece.
– Your dog goes to the neighbors’ to eat. – When you barbecue, two of your kids hold water guns and the third stands ready by the phone with 911 on speed dial. – Your family automatically heads for the dinner table every time they hear a fire truck siren. – Your two best recipes are meatloaf and apple pie, but your dinner guests can’t tell which is which. – You’ve used three boxes of scouring pads, a bottle of Drano, and a crowbar, and that macaroni and cheese still won’t let go of the pan. – You make tuna noodle surprise and the surprise is that it glows in the dark and melts the silverware.

A Box of Chocolate
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a white bag on the seat next to Sally. “What’s in the bag?” asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the bag and, smiling, said, “It’s a box of chocolates. I got it for my husband.” The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: “Good trade.”


Cats & Teenagers
For all of you with teenagers or who have had teenagers, you may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats:
1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name. 2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot. 3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents. 4. Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor your teen will ever crack a smile. 5. No cat or teenager shares your taste in music. 6. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing. 7. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers live as if they did. 8. Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy — a sense of complete and utter boredom. 9. Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone’s furniture. 10. Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior.
Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also good idea to keep a guidebook on cats at hand at all times. And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their direction. When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned



One Sunday a pastor found several letters awaiting him. He opened one and found it contained the single word, “Fool.” Quietly and with becoming seriousness he shared the letter with the congregation and announced: “I have known many an instance of a person writing a letter and forgetting to sign his name, but this is the only instance I have ever known of someone signing his name and forgetting to write the letter.”

Things Get Better With Age
I’ve learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sing “Silent Night.” Age 5 ~ I’ve learned that our dog doesn’t want to eat my broccoli either. Age 7 ~ I’ve learned that when I wave to people out in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back. Age 9 ~ I’ve learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up again. Age 12 ~ I’ve learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice. Age 24 ~
I’ve learned that brushing my child’s hair is one of life’s great pleasures. Age 26 ~ I’ve learned that wherever I go, the world’s worst drivers have followed me there. Age 29 ~ I’ve learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it. Age 30 ~ I’ve learned that there are people who love you dearly but just don’t know how to show it. Age 42 ~ I’ve learned that you can make someone’s day by simply sending them a little note. Age 44 ~ I’ve learned that the greater a person’s sense of guilt, the greater his or her need to cast blame on others. Age 46 ~ I’ve learned that children and grandparents are natural allies. Age 47 ~ I’ve learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on and it will be better tomorrow. Age 48 ~ I’ve learned that singing “Amazing Grace” can lift my spirits for hours. Age 49 ~ I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. Age 51 ~ I’ve learned that keeping a vegetable garden is worth a medicine cabinet full of pills. Age 52 ~ I’ve learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you miss them terribly after they die. Age 53 ~ I’ve learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life. Age 58 ~ I’ve learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. Age 62 ~ I’ve learned that you shouldn’t go through life with a catcher’s mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back. Age 64 ~ I’ve learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you. Age 65 ~ I’ve learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually make the right decision. Age 66 ~ I’ve learned that everyone can use a prayer. Age 72 ~ I’ve learned that even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one. Age 74 ~ I’ve learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch – holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.  Age 76 ~ I’ve learned that I still have a lot to learn. Age 78


Why am I Fat?

Husband: It says in this article that high fructose corn syrup made me fat.

Wife: That’s ridiculous!

Husband: Okay, Miss know it all, If high fructose corn syrup didn’t make me fat, what did?

Wife: (drolly) Going back for thirds.


Do you live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots?

By Jeff Foxworthy

If plastic water bottles are okay, but plastic bags are banned, — you might live in a nation (state) that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If you can get arrested for hunting or fishing without a license, but not for entering and remaining in the country illegally — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If you have to get your parents’ permission to go on a field trip or to take an aspirin in school, but not to get an abortion — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If you MUST show your identification to board an airplane, cash a check, buy liquor, or check out a library book and rent a video, but not to vote for who runs the government — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If the government wants to prevent stable, law-abiding citizens from owning gun magazines that hold more than ten rounds but gives twenty F-16 fighter jets to the crazy new leaders in Egypt — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If, in the nation’s largest city, you can buy two 16-ounce sodas, but not one 24-ounce soda, because 24-ounces of a sugary drink might make you fat — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If an 80-year-old woman who is confined to a wheelchair or a three-year-old girl can be strip-searched by the TSA at the airport, but a woman in a burka or a hijab is only subject to having her neck and head searched — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If your government believes that the best way to eradicate trillions of dollars of debt is to spend trillions more — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If a seven-year-old boy can be thrown out of school for saying his teacher is “cute” but hosting a sexual exploration or diversity class in grade school is perfectly acceptable — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If hard work and success are met with higher taxes and more government regulation and intrusion while not working is rewarded with Food Stamps, WIC checks, Medicaid benefits, subsidized housing, and free cell phones — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If you pay your mortgage faithfully, denying yourself the newest big-screen TV, while your neighbor buys iPhones, time shares, a wall-sized do-it-all plasma screen TV and new cars, and the government forgives his debt when he defaults on his mortgage — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.


Think before you vote in all upcoming elections. Most of the idiots running this country say one thing and do the opposite knowing that the people who voted them in do not pay attention

Let’s see if I got this right!!!

If you cross the North Korean border illegally you get 12 years hard labor. If you cross the Iranian border illegally you are detained indefinitely. If you cross the Afghan border illegally, you get shot. If you cross the Saudi Arabian border illegally you will be jailed. If you cross the Chinese border illegally you may never be heard from again. If you cross the Venezuelan border illegally you will be branded a spy and your fate will be sealed. If you cross the Cuban border illegally you will be thrown into political prison to rot. If you cross the U.S. border illegally you get …

A job, a driver’s license, Social security card, welfare, food stamps, credit cards, subsidized rent or a loan to buy a house, free education, free health care, a lobbyist in Washington, billions of dollars’ worth of public documents printed in your language, the right to carry your country’s flag while you protest that you don’t get enough respect and, in many instances, you can vote.

I just wanted to make sure I had a firm grasp on the situation!!!


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