THINGS A MOM DOESN’T WANT TO HEAR

1.  I swallowed a goldfish.

2.  Your lipstick works better than crayons.

3.  Does grape juice leave a stain?

4.  Look, I painted the front door!

5.  The principal called…

6.  But DAD says that word all the time.

7.  What’s it cost to fix a window?

8.  The dog doesn’t like dressing up in your clothes.

9.  Has anyone seen my earthworms???

10.  I’m going to run away!!  (Well, maybe SOME days…)

DOCTORS SAY THE DARNDEST THINGS

The following quotes were allegedly taken from actual medical records as dictated by physicians:

By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped and he was feeling better. ~ On the second day, the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.  ~ The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983. ~ Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing. ~ Discharge status: Alive but without permission. ~ The patient refused an autopsy. ~ The patient has no past history of suicides. ~ The patient expired on the floor uneventfully. ~ The patient’s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days. ~ She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December. ~ The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. ~ She is numb from the toes down. ~ The skin was moist and dry. ~ When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

The Preacher and the Septic Tank

A young preacher was asked by the local funeral director to hold a grave-side burial service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends. The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns. Eventually, a half-hour late, he saw a backhoe and its crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were eating lunch. The diligent young pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Taking out his book, he read the service. Feeling guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in style. As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: “I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain’t never seen anything like that.”

The Believer and the Pessimist

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend that was an eternal pessimist who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by, they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, “Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?” “I sure did,” responded the pessimist. “He can’t swim.”

Sweet Kindness

A little girl asked her mother for a dollar to give to an old lady in the park. Her mother was touched by the child’s kindness, and gave her the dollar. “There you are, my dear,” said the mother. “But, tell me, isn’t the lady able to work anymore?” “Oh yes,” came the reply. “She sells candy.”

An English Stickler

Everyone knows I’m a stickler for good spelling. So when an associate e-mailed technical documents asking me to “decifer” them, I had to set him straight. “Decipher is spelled with a ‘ph’, not an ‘f’,” I wrote. “In case you’ve forgotten, a spell checker comes free with word processing programs.” A minute later his reply: “Must be dephective.”

The “Cake”

A little boy is telling his Grandma how “everything” is going wrong: School, family problems, health problems, etc. Meanwhile, Grandma is baking a cake. She asks her grandson if he would like a snack, which of course he does. “Here, have some cooking oil.” “Yuck” says the boy. “How about a couple raw eggs? ” “Gross, Grandma!” “Would you like some flour then? Or maybe baking soda?” “Grandma, those are all yucky!” To which Grandma replies: “Yes, all those things seem bad all by themselves. But when they are put together in the right way, they make a wonderfully delicious cake!” She continued, “God works the same way in our lives.” The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.

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In the future, I’ll tell my grandchildren that I am older than the internet and blow their minds forever.