Things You Don’t Want to Hear During Surgery

~ “Could you stop that thing from beating? It’s throwing my concentration off.” ~ “What’s this doing here?” ~ “I hate it when they’re missing stuff in here.” ~ “That’s cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!” ~ “I wish I hadn’t forgotten my glasses.” ~ “Well folks, this will be an experiment for us all.” ~ “Sterile, shcmerile. The floor’s clean, right?” ~ “Anyone see where I left that scalpel?” ~ “Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?” ~ “Don’t worry. I think it is sharp enough.” ~ “Oh no! Page 47 of the manual is missing!”

For Those with Ears to Hear

While getting a checkup, a man tells his doctor that he thinks his wife is losing her hearing. The doctor says, “You should do a simple test. Stand about 15 feet behind your wife and say ‘honey?’ Move 3 feet closer and do it again. Keep moving 3 feet closer until she finally responds. Remember how close you were when she gives you an answer. That will help me know how bad her hearing loss is. About a month later the same guy is at the doctor again and the doctor asks, “Well, did you do that experiment with your wife’s hearing?” The man says, “Yes.” “How close did you get before she answered?” “Well, by the time I got about 3 feet away she just turned around and said, ‘For the FIFTH TIME…WHAT???'”

Hole in One

The nurse noticed a man in golf attire pacing up and down outside the emergency room where another golfer, who had a golf ball driven down his throat, was being treated by a doctor. “Is he a relative of yours?” the nurse, stepping outside the room, asked the pacing golfer. “No,” replied the man. “It’s my ball.”

Cheap and Embarrassed

A guy that was really cheap was looking for a gift to give a friend. Everything was too expensive except for a glass vase that had been broken and he could purchase it for almost nothing. He asked the store to send it hoping his friend would think it had been broken in transit. In due time he received a note: “Thanks for the vase,” it read. “It was so thoughtful of you to wrap each piece separately.”

If at First You Don’t Succeed

The General wanted to test gate security, and knowing that guards were currently under orders to shoot to kill if a car didn’t stop, he zoomed through the front gate, past the guard, without stopping. The guard recognized him and saluted. The General backed up, and chewed the guard out, up one side and down the other, about following orders, shoot to kill, and guarding the gate of America’s best. For some reason at the end he asked, “Do you have anything to tell me?” “Yes sir! Would you care to back up and try it again, sir?”

Adoption 101

A teacher’s first graders were examining and discussing a picture of a family. One little boy in the picture had a different hair color than the other members. One of the students suggested that he was adopted. A little girl said, “I know all about adoption, I was adopted.” “What does it mean to be adopted?” asked another child. “It means,” said the girl, “that you grew in your mommy’s heart instead of her tummy.”

Wise Guy

A kid gave his teacher a blank piece of paper. Teacher: “What is this?” Kid: “It’s a drawing of a cow eating grass.”

“Where’s the grass?” “The cow ate all of it.” “Then, where’s the cow?” “It left because there was no more grass.”

Tools of the Trade

A doctor was racing toward the hospital when a patrol car appeared behind him — lights flashing, siren blaring.

So the doc hung his stethoscope out the window to signal that he was on an emergency call.

Within seconds came the policeman’s response: A pair of handcuffs flapping outside the police car window.

The Hope of Death

John had never been on a fishing boat before, and he was now thinking it was the stupidest thing he’d ever done in his life. Who would ever have believed that seasickness could be this awful? With every pitch and roll, John wondered how he was going to survive the remaining two hours of the trip. One of the deckhands came up to him and said, “Don’t worry, old fella.  Nobody ever died of seasickness.” “You’ve just taken away my last hope for relief,” John said.

Bad News, Good News

A large, two-engined train was making its way across America. While crossing the Western mountains, one of the engines broke down. “No problem, we can make it to Denver and get a replacement engine there,” the engineer thought, and carried on at half power. Farther on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill in the middle of nowhere. The engineer needed to inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and always trying to look on the bright side of things, made the following announcement: “Ladies and Gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time until the additional engines arrive. The good news is that you didn’t take this trip in a plane!”

Traveling at The Speed of Light

Unaware that Indianapolis is on Eastern Standard Time and Chicago on Central Standard Time, a fellow inquired at the Indianapolis airport about a plane to Chicago. “The next flight leaves at 1:00 p.m.,” the ticket agent said, “and arrives in Chicago at 1:01 p.m.” “Would you repeat that, please?” the fella asked. The agent did so and then inquired, “Do you want a reservation?” “No, but I think I’ll hang around and watch that sucker take off.”

So there’s this Airhead who thinks …

~ you can’t use an AM radio at night. ~ a quarterback is a refund. ~ General Motors is in the army. ~ Boyz II Men is a day care center. ~ Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company. ~ Meow Mix is a CD for cats.

A Case of Furniture Disease 

Max went into the doctor’s office for his annual checkup, and the Doc asked if there was anything unusual he should know about. So Max told the Doc that his suit must have shrunk over the last year, because it didn’t fit when he went to get ready for a wedding recently. The Doc said, “Suits don’t shrink just sitting in a closet. You probably put on a few pounds.” “That’s just it, Doc, I know I haven’t gained a single pound since the last time I wore it.” “Well, then,” said Doc, “You must have a case of Furniture Disease.” “What in the world is Furniture Disease?” asked Max.

“That’s when your chest starts sliding down into your drawers.”

Thoughts for the Day:

Trying to write with a broken pencil is pointless. ~ You can never lose a homing pigeon – if your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, what you’ve lost is a pigeon. ~ Its hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs, because they always take things literally. ~ The optometrist fell into his lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself. ~ The geologist’s theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground. ~ If you want to do something positive for your children, work to improve your marriage. ~ She claims we met at the vegetarian club, but I’d never seen herbivore. ~ Sushi lovers are hooked on raw fish. ~ Relish today. Ketchup tomorrow. ~ One hat said to another, You stay here. I’ll go on a head. ~ Camping: Where you spend a small fortune to live like a homeless person.

When Pastors Disagree

Four ministers had a series of theological arguments, and three were always in accord against the fourth. One day, the odd pastor out, after the usual “3 to 1majority rules” statement that signified that he had lost again, decided to appeal to a higher authority. “Oh, Lord!” he cried. “I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to them!” It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the minister finished his prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once and dissolved. “A sign from God! See, I’m right, I knew it!” But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form on hot days. So the pastor prayed again: “Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong. So please, Lord, a bigger sign!” This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill. “I told you I was right!” cried the minister, but his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes. The Pastor was getting ready to ask for a *very big* sign, but just as he said, “Oh God…,” the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep, booming voice intoned, “HEEEEEEEE’S RIIIIIIIGHT!” The minister put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three, and said, “Well?!” “So,” shrugged one of the other pastors, “now it’s 3 to 2.”

A LETTER FROM CAMP

Dear Mom & Dad:

We’re having a great time here at Lake Typhoid! Scoutmaster Webb is making us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are okay. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened. Oh yes, please call Chad’s mother and tell her he is okay. He can’t write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn’t been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn’t hear him.

Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood still didn’t burn, but one of our tents did. Also some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back. We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed. It wasn’t his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Webb said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that’s probably why he can’t get insurance on it. We think it’s a neat car. He doesn’t care if we get it dirty; and if it’s hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Don’t worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn’t any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Webb wouldn’t let me because I can’t swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Webb isn’t crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn’t even get mad about the life jackets.

He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.

Also Wade and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison.

I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Don’t worry about anything. We are fine.

Love, Billy

P.S. How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?